Sunday, December 30, 2007

Second Best.

in the sidelines
waiting ever so patiently
and biding time
and counting tiles
while making wishes on stars so bright
while looking blindly in your eyes
a hope of maybe simple things
to come on such a winter day
so cold and fierce a wind
sending shivers far and wide
though being held so tight, confined
this embrace is neither warm nor bound
that leaves me frigid once untied
and waiting on the promise of
a chance and better things to come
but neither here and neither there
the shore is still so far away
and i'm a shell kept hidden well
to peek and prod when feelings swell
admired in a close kept spot
and shut out from the rays above
cuz time... there's always some around
and who needs cages when we can roam around
to hell with all the boundaries
is that the only thing you see?
in me and all you you think is free..??
when night's the only time we roam
when other things will catch your eye
and take you far from time to time
and patience is a virtue they say
one long and tried and cumbersome
too heavy of a hand to hold
when it tugs in both directions
always pulling off to either side
where waiting seems so tedious
and maybe in vain
cuz i feel the pain
so devastatingly
with knowing that for now in time
and possibly for always
i'll never be the first in line
but rest assured, i'm second best.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

on lock down.

behind closed doors. kept under lock and key
where people all around us cannot hear or see
can't even tell which day or what the time may be
with the lies laid all around us always meant to deceive

and still i stay closeby with my humble plea
and the hours growing closer will only agree
that you need to make decisions when it comes to me
because this undercover story needs to be set free

out in the open and proclaimed and out onto the sea
from tops of mountains and from even dark & deep valleys
in open fields, out in the streets and high above all trees
you need to choose.. let's make this real. stop playing make-believe.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Imbalance in the scales.

crashing to the ground
i cannot make a sound
and i cannot give you time
when i know that you're not mine
and maybe never will be
and not the way i see
because you'd feel it in your heart
if you knew we'd never part
and i can't seem to shake
this feeling, i can't break
the way you hesitate
with every thing you state
longer pauses and decisions
while everything around me spins
when giving up means finally
and closing doors so effortlessly
i don't think that it's true
that you're giving me what's due
when i'd give up the world and it's entirety for you.
but you know that
and you always did
i'm just waiting for it to come out of your words
and in everything that you do.
and only until then.
but i'm afraid that time has come to pass.
because i'm afraid that it's not going to last.
i'm afraid that it's just not your vision
and i'm afraid that no amount of wishing
and praying and talking
is going to make you change your mind.
so.. i bid thee adieu
time.. you have lots.
and i still sit still like i always do..
and i'll still remain existing only for you.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Lack of Conviction.

unlike a neon sign

dead straight ahead
blinking its message
so loud and clear

unlike the street signs
on sides of roads
to tell you just
which way to go

unlike the clouds
and even the skies
that clear or grey
showing what comes today

unlike the time
of day the ticks away
and moves along
its steady rhythmic ways

unlike a pendulum that sways
from side to side
never faltering
and always the same way

unlike my mind
and heart and soul
that never seems to see
and will never ever seem to know...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My Mind's View

an overreaction of feelings and thoughts
brought on by some common destruction
where i can't seem to control the wheel anymore
and it's not making anymore sense in my head

just a slight little notion that's off from the first
and it's off on this tangent to where it just goes
i can't calm it down and i don't quite know why
that i'm dealing with phases and phrases this way

sensitivity's high and so is my perception
an anchor that's tortured and burdened me so
cuz with even one thought that's misplaced over here
i'm left spinning way out of control

and trying to figure out how to conclude
how to shut it all off and ignore it
is completely impossible and futile to me
so, i'm left feeling lost and so hopeless

not anyone's fault for my mind seeing this way
it's not yours, nor mine, not anyone else's
and i'm trying to view it and see it their way
or just any which way that won't break me

but simple it's not and too hard of a task
i'm just trying to be on the neutral
and i have no idea why i see all this way
it's a curse that i'll seem to live on with...

Thursday, November 8, 2007


should've seen it coming
should've been aware
should've been more wiser
but still i stayed right there
should've kept away
should've turned away
should've never gave you time
to make me feel this way
i should've never this
and should've never that
and should've always known
that this would all be bad
should've left it there
should've never cared
cuz here am i again
where i never should've dared

should've kept my cool
i should've just seen
the warning signs around me
and everything in between
should've been much smarter
should've known it'd show
should've chose much better
and now i know that i should go.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Heart Rumbles.

still got it. it's here. i feel it right now.
and i'm not even quite that sure how
to tell you, or show you. i'm not good at this
but even through downtimes, you still bring me bliss

i melt. and i glow. and i gush over you
and no matter whatever, i've always been true
to nobody else. not really the same
cuz there's always been good despite of the rain.

you've got me. you've had me for always you see
it's all in your hands just how great this could be
don't question my doubts and my hesitations
cuz i'm only just clearing out waste and frustrations

but please don't forget at the end of the day
that i'd really prefer that it's you who will stay
the beat still sounds loudly, rock steady and sound
still my heart rumbles sweet and so very profound.


Monday, October 22, 2007

Apologies in advance..

mi perdoni
i'm sorry
but i didn't mean to
it's not a choice
that's easy for me
not guilty, yet so guilt-stricken am i
for something that i haven't done
but i can't say that i will not
when it's not for me to choose
and i'm torn between the two
it's not fair, and i despair
over feelings left unsaid
and i'm always playing dead
in fear of grounds i will not tread
but yet it's always in my head
i can't be free
not now.. not here.
and yet i try to make it better
a start again and things anew
we'll patch it up with just some glue

i want it to be..
i want it to be.
i wish it to be.
but still it won't be.

like drug clouded hazes
i'm walking through mazes
and desperately hoping
it leads me to you.

so please help me God
clear my mind from this drug
what's safer. what's saner.
make it better in time.

but i'm sorry for now
and i'm sorry for later
there's no way to fortell what will come
but i need to be true to myself this time around..
and just know that i've always loved you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What shall it be my love?

why i gotta be that way
always in dismay
sensitively and distasteful
distrust. mistrust. uncertainty.
you laid it here.
you built this house.
and now it's all around me now.
can't shake this feeling
why are we dealing
it's never quite the same you know
it pulls me left
and sometimes right
and rarely in the middle
i can't see on the other side
and it's making me feel sick
sick at heart
sick in mind
though i don't mind..
no, not right now
and maybe later
i'll change my mind.
but what's the gameplan?
cuz i don't know
whether i'll stay
or if i'll go.
and if it's meant for someone else
and another time
that isn't now.
but i can't decide
and you make it harder
for me to choose
when you chase wild cards
leaving me behind
cuz that's what it is
when the light grows dim
should i owe you more?
cuz i don't think so.
and i won't quite show
never giving in
and this isn't stuck
like glue. or cement.
it's unstapled and it's loose
cuz that's just how you choose
and i will not lose.
but you never show me
permanence and something real
i need a figure
of strong proportions
standing strong and stable
against all odds..
isn't that what they say?
is that how it goes?
and yet i have no real ideas
or any answer
so we play this waiting game
and it's sweet
and it's love
and it's so much fun sometimes
and it's not anchored to the floor
and now i'm left drifting off once more.
so please be quick
please be soon.
i'm growing tired of this fix
and choose a way
be it here or there.
and stick to it
don't stray from it
cuz i'm losing grasp
can't seem to catch
my breath from all this hazy mess
and i fear i just might fall right off
and lose you from that heightened spot
for good, forever more
and wiped out right inside the core...
but i'm just thinking loudly
a girl with silly feelings
but i always play forkeeps..
and now it's time for sleep.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Depth of a feeling.

deeper than i think, making my heart sink
tugging my heart's strings, shouldn't think these things
way too close to me, and the only thing i see
try too hard to push away, though i want so bad to stay
not for me.. not at all, still i always seem to fall
wish you'd say it, or maybe you could quit
genuine or evil ploys, you never know with certain boys
if only i were much more wise, then i'd know to cast you aside
still i ponder every night, still i seem to hold on tight
onto nothing never there, just a glance .. a touch.. a stare
you leave me hanging dry, foolish me who's left to cry
i don't know what i see, i wish to God to be set free
of what seems to bind, and what i cannot find
which i seem to search in you, for something sound and true
not sure what it is, but you seem to have it kid
and you've taken me by storm, and now i'm worse than before
and silly me for being here, but silly you for staying near
i know you know the half if it, cuz i told you like a drunken twit
stumbling in my own mistakes, i just have so much at stake
but it's too much to handle, and you're too much of a gamble
when i know it's not the same, when i feel it's just your game
stuck in the same place, running always the same race
and it's still you, and i'm still blue
crazy to try, left here to sigh
but it's deeper you see, now it's too late for me.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

a vision of ambition.

trapped between reasons
and caught within seasons
i'm losing my grasp on all things with your treasons

on choosing my roles
and on keeping with goals
i just keep moving forward and filling in holes

but it's not even here
not even next year
there's so much to decide and even way more to fear

many paths left to choose
though i don't want to lose
and i'm trying much harder not to fall, not to bruise

but a better plan up ahead
are we better off dead?
cuz i'm not even sure if those grounds i will tread

all i know is one thing
and of what i shall sing
maybe titles aren't so valuable, maybe they won't mean a thing.

i want it all
i seem to stall
and always crashing into some kind of wall..

but it's my decision
my one life mission
and somehow it's always in revision.

and maybe now
it all seems sound
you've got me tightly held and bound

by sheer free will
my dearest will....
my one and only lifelong thrill

i want a life
just as a wife
my composition seems finally right.

a slave to tradition
i choose no ambition
because i've found in the end that it's just not my vision.

Friday, August 10, 2007

never mine.

never was. never once. never even for a day.
not today. and nor tomorrow. not even yesterday.
it wasn't here. it never was. it's just not anywhere at all.
and you are there. inside her lair. at her every single beck and call.

why do i care? why do i sneer? why do i even bother much?
to think at all.. to ponder on these silly things and such and such
i wish to God that you were gone. and far away, i wish you well..
cuz for unknown reasons and unfair plans, i'm under your dark & twisted spell.

it's better when you're gone from here. and better when i'm on my own
it's just much saner away from you.. cuz it seems i've got myself on loan
i hate this feeling of no control. consuming every single ounce of me
cuz it's all just being wasted.................. and still it's only you i see.


Friday, August 3, 2007

Time Trial.

my head is spinning and spinning out of control
i crumble and nosedive right onto the floor
my breath is gone.. through my mind my thoughts pour
and i'm sitting here contemplating getting back into war

am i sick? am i twisted? am i losing my mind?
do i want it? do i miss it? is there no one else to find?
can't forget it. cannot close it. you're a part of my design
and it seems to me i've never really ever been quite fine.

still i wonder and i question every reason, how's and why's
it's been so very long since i have finally learned not to cry
with choices made. the deal is done. stamped and shut. we've said goodbye.
.... but this, but that, but what if's too.. and maybe just one more try..

it's lunacy.. insanity.. pure rash thoughts running wild
but there's never going to be someone who'll ever make me smile
just the same way, just the right way.. i've just hid behind denial
and i think i might .. by some sheer chance.. rethink this for a while.

call me crazy. call me stupid. call me hopeless and deranged...
but there's only just that one. and maybe things have changed.
i'm just thinking. i'm just wonderin'.. and i'm just being kinda lame.
cuz maybe nuthin's different and it'll all just be the same.

but it's always there. and holding tight. there's nothing that will make it move
and try as you might. push and shove all you'd like.. i have nothing left to prove
but time has passed. it's been a while. and i just only want the truth...
and pages turn.. and slates are cleared... I think I know what i should do.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I've come to some conclusions.....

i'm happy i can breathe again. i'm happy that it's sane again.
i'm happy that it's not all twisted and knotted in the pit of my stomach anymore.
i'm so relieved it's finally gone.. and so serene with things blown over
i never thought it'd happen soon.. i never thought it'd happen ever...

loss of control over mind and feelings.. that's all come back so suddenly
and any drawbacks and unsettled stories... can finally move back to end of the drawers.
cuz i was standing alone here with shakey limbs.. teetering and tottering
to confusion, misgivings.. reading into signs.. and seeing into absolutely nothing at all....

i see something good. i see something great. i see something so immensely full of life.
but i see something wounded. i see something lost. and i see something never giving up the fight..
it's kinda sad.. it's kinda tragic. i see a lot more than maybe i should be seeing.
but it's not my place to say. it's not my place to question. it's not my place to stir and make a big commotion.

i have the reins back again. i'm feeling ok. and i'm feeling better.
i'm happy stable grounds are beneath my feet once again..
i'm feeling good about the days to come. about tomorrow's great big plan.
and now i'm feeling all ok about it. don't think it could be any other way..
and that's ok.
and that's ok.
and that's alright with me.
I think it's the only way to be.
I think it's the only way, you see.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

i'm stuck on this page...

temporarily side-tracked.
blinded and clouded minded.
inside out and upside down.
and all over and under the place.

no control over any of it
no chance of escape.
can't make a run for it.
can't see the other side.
and it's happening still
repeating. it stops. and it starts all again.

i'm blinded. i'm binded. losing all sight of things.
not fair. i'm angry. annoyed. it's making me sick.
imagination running wild.
and it's happening too much.
it's taking over too much.
it's just way too much.

not sure what to do.
it's your fault. it's mine. it's nobody's at all.
just repeating. and stopping. and starting over again.

can't get it out. can't take it off.
my mind's just a moving reel
cycling maybes and what if's
and it's getting old fast...
and it's getting cold fast.

i'm drowning in dreams
that you'll never know of
i'm grasping at chances
that never were mine
i'm hoping for one day
and hoping in time
and waiting for nothing
and waiting for something
and waiting and waiting.
silent mouthed. lips are sealed.

one more time on repeat...
not quite ready to stop...
start this over again...
and again...
and again...

Sunday, July 8, 2007


untied. unglued. pull apart and turn it loose
step away from it for now.
take a breather.. take a break
take some time to think it over
or not think at all
or just sit still
and walk away
for just a moment. just a day. or maybe more
and just forget. or turn away
it only soaks too much up anyways
change the scenery
change the lights. change the way you think about
different route. different plans.
none of them with you in mind
knowing better. seeing clearer.
steps away and miles apart
too close for comfort. too far from here.
it's something i just have to do.
i need some time.
i needed more.
i wanted more.
and it's not here.
so, flick the switch
and turn it off....
it's finally time to disconnect.

If you marry me.. would you bury me.

you leave me here
in such a state
of disaster... where i'm left
to pick up the broken pieces
where i try... and try..
but i just cry and cry...

cuz i can't seem to play the game right
and i'm always right back at the start
but nuthin ever changes...
the evil lies within
and it hangs low
and hides beneath
the layers of artificial sweetner

and i try and i try..
but i still cry..
oh how i cry...

i push myself
ahead of me..
to find a way to you
to find a place
to dream away
for happiness
to become real
to become whole
to become fused together
when that exists
then it can be good.

but it's not..
and i try..
and i try...
i still cry, and i'll cry...

you leave me here
under yer darkness
of fallen shadows
left to wilt
left to rot
left to wallow in yer decay
left alone.
left alone.

you make me die.
you make me cry.
you make me try..
i try so hard..
you make me cry.. and cry and cry...
you make me cry and cry and cry..
you make me cry and cry and cry..
but i still try.. oh, how i try.
and i'll always try..
even though i'll always cry...
til our last goodbye.
goodbye... goodbye..
and i still cry...

Return of the Knights.

where have all the knights gone..?
where did they go to?
they seem to have disappeared
and i haven't got a single clue
as to when they will return
or if they even will
must i stay and wait here
at the top of this high hill?
for chivalry and manners
that don't exist no more,
for bravery and loyalties
and love right through the core.
Is it all gone.. is it all dead?
Cuz i can't seem to find any
on this lonely road i tread.
The knights have all gone
and aren't coming back.
Or maybe they've just wandered off
and somehow gotten off track
But i guess i'll just be patient
and wait until the day
that the knights will all come back
and clear away all this decay.

and then there were two.

i think about one
to not think of the other
both are bad news
so why do i bother?

let me go over it
and explain it to you
so perhaps you might have
a much clearer view

of the reasons i sit
and obsess over this
and make trouble for me
my whole world is amiss

let me start with the first
since that one is past
of a dream of forever
which never did last

a most difficult time
of so bumpy a ride
and i can't count the times
of nights that i cried

but still we were friends
the best of the kind
i'm glad for the love
and good times i did find

no looking back now
the book has been closed
so tortured the heart
but you know how it goes

so now i begin
number two, here we go
but where do i start?
cuz it's all kinda slow

this one's much harder
cuz mine he was not
but i'm crazy about him
a heck of a lot!

he's bad news for sure
i should keep away
but i can't seem to stop
for just even one day

he has such a hold
over me it's unreal
but it'll never be known
to him just how i feel

there's no other boy
quite like him you see
but he's so very wrong
and just not made for me

but he's the only one
who's been able to free
my mind from the other
and you just have to see

his haunting brown eyes
oh gawd how i melt
this crazy attraction
i've never quite felt

he keeps me smiling
with his childish antics
he's just like a drug
and i sure need a fix

the only one person
who's made me refrain
from thinking of times
when my heart was so drained

and maybe i'm silly
for behaving this way
but anything will do
when your heart has decayed

to keep from remembering
all things of the other
until maybe one day
i shall find me another

and maybe it's such
a cheap made replacement
but my days are just filled
of dismal resentment

so, do i drop him too
and just think of the first?
or do i hold on to him..?
i feel like i'm cursed!

i hate that i feel
so incredibly helpless
to love and attraction
but i'm getting so restless

i miss so much
of what i left behind
i need to move forward
and stop with this rewind

of things that will never
be the way that they were
it's crazy just how much
your poor heart does endure

so.. this is my story
of boy one and boy two
i'm not sure if it helped
to give you a clue

cuz i'm surely not seeing
anything any clearer
and i'm still in the same spot
yet i'm still a believer

of romance and love
and keeping up hope
of something so sacred
that binds stronger than rope

i guess i'll just sit here
and wait for the day
when finally i can smile
and it shall all be okay.

sick from the inside out.

eating away inside my stomach
inside my mind... inside my soul
clenching a fist around my heart
squeezing, and tugging, and ripping apart
floating about this cloudy sky
drifting away... losing the ground
pushing away from off the track
falling away... sinking below
turning around and round in circles
spinning too fast... out of control
breaking apart at all the cracks
coming undone... crumbling down
losing my sleep on empty nights
dreaming away... waking too soon
losing my grip on my own self
letting it go... giving it up.

rising above for one more moment
starting again... living to feel it.

This is what I am. This is what I'm not.

so, i'm not the gurL that's all flirty with you.
so, i'm not the gurL who will take your shit.
so, i'm not the gurL who'll be mean and use you to get stuff.
so, i'm not the gurL who will play with your heart and feelings.
so, i'm not the gurL who talks dirty to all the boys.
so, i'm not the gurL who puts herself out there.
so, i'm not that daredevil, risk-taker that lives my life on the edge.
so, i'm not that mousey-slave gurL.
so, i'm not a modeL.
so, i'm not accomplished.
so, i'm not wealthy.
so, i'm not famous and glamourous.
so, i'm not a trophy girlfriend.

i'm the girl with a big heart.
i'm the girl with the big dreams.
i'm the girl with too many giggles.
i'm the girl who's domesticated and chef supreme.
i'm the girl who wants to work hard for a living.
i'm the girl who wants my own space.
i'm the girl who gives you space.
i'm the girl who wants to hold you so close.
i'm the girl who will make you soup.
i'm the girl with old fashioned antics.
i'm the girl that always cries at sappy movies.
i'm the girl who won't give up on you.
i'm the girl who will push you forward.
i'm the girl who will hold on if you fall.
i'm the girl who will always be loyal.
i'm the girl who wants to love you so badly..

but that's not the girl you want.. is it?

Stay up til 4 in the morning.....

Blahhhhhhhh... insomnia kicks my ass everytime.
and thoughts run rampant through my sad and tired mind.
and lately it seems like it's always the same scene
being played over and over again on some sort of repeat

just how much control do we have over our choices
and can you alter the paths by loudening our voices?
when you have no idea of what lies ahead of you
never sure, never knowing of the things you should do.

guarantees, there are none. it's a risk all around
and the stakes are real high... so much shit going down.
you can't pick, unless you know. there's no choice but to try
hesitation. bad decisions. my emotions running dry...

there's a track you have to keep on.. push ahead.. and keep on going
leave behind the chance of greatness.. there's no way of ever knowing.
but you tried. and you've cried. and all hope has dimmed this time
with every reason and every season that you phrase into your rhyme.

but never once can i catch a glimpse of what is going on inside
and to be quite honest over here, i think you're taking me for a ride.
it's always riddles and it's always this and it's always not really defined.
it's so much easier to hide behind your loss, and continue being blind.

so.. i stay awake. with randomness. and many thoughts all gone awry
as i question everything you do. and every reason why..
cuz i just don't buy it that easily.. and maybe i'm just all wrong
or maybe i've just seen the things i've wanted to all along....

Who's fault is it anyways?

I'm feeling disappointed.
I feel a bit let down.
Cuz I can't seem to find the reason
why no one turns around.
And maybe it's my fault
and perhaps i am to blame
having such high expectations
and doing what's right seems all in vain
I see actions all around me
that just do not add up
I'm feeling pretty low about it
and i think i've had enough.
Dunno how to pretend no more
Dunno quite how to act
Cuz nothing's as it really seems
we're missing all the facts.
of lies and cover ups here and there
and i'm probably guilty too
but did you ever stop and think
that i was only protecting you?
but people will not rest so easily
needing fuel to add to their fire.
and in the long run what is it they get..?
a whole bunch of truths and them left as the liar.
I've lost, in the end, this battle
when it's all been said and done
cuz it's really myself i should blame
for handing you over the gun.
Control of my actions i have
though i never quite seem to know how
so, i try to make sense of the others
and i'm lost more than ever right now.
Everyone's guilty of selfishness
everyone's doing their part
in the game just to win the grande prize
even though we might break someone's heart.
Whether it's yours, or mine or theirs
there's always someone who gets caught
There's no use pointing fingers to blame
We're all left feeling somewhat distraught.
I'm aware that I choose what I'm doing
and it's obvious which things I should change
it's not quite as simple to do though...
when it's your whole life you need to rearrange.
So.. excuse all the mess and confusion
and pardon my lack of concern
while i clean up the wreckage around me
Just another life lesson i've learned

a turning point.

if you were gone, i wouldn't care.
i'd keep on moving so unaware
how i torture myself just isn't fair
so i have to turn my focus elsewhere.
but if he were gone, i'd notice quick.
cuz the things he does, they always stick.
not yer typical run of the mill kinda prick
trying to play it off cool and be mister slick.
a slave to my heart, a sucker for feelings
my emotional, sensitive ways keep me reeling
first it's front, then it's back, always something appealing
still i have no idea why i keep on believing.
so, perhaps i should try and take hold of the reins
turn it swift to the left and steer clear of the pain
it's inevitable, it's obvious, like an oncoming train
what your all about mister, there's no need to remain.
a turning point. sudden change in the course.
just so bored of your usual lame old discourse
seems to me i've been trying to hold on with such force
when all along it was him who was always the source.
i have no more to say. i'm tired of thinking
this ship of contempt for you is finally sinking
i don't want a part of it, i don't want to win.
cuz the light i once saw in you has finally gone dim.

All about you.

Been going on for far too long this way
and for what reasons? for just what reasons?
I can't stand to sit here another minute
while you change your mood just like the seasons.
I thought I might've seen something.
A little different from the rest of them.
But it seems to me i've been far too blind
and caught up in you, my own self i condemned.
And maybe I just like to ramble on and on
cuz i know it's far much easier to blab it all out here
Cuz mum's the word each and every other time
Not brave enough? No.. let's just get this quite clear.
It's obvious to me.. regardless of what others say
that it's not true at all. that you're not feeling the same.
Polite and just nice. day in and day out.
I'm so fucking exhausted from being in the game.
what game? was there one? i doubt it. i make my own settings.
Where i change up the scenery and write in my own lines.
And i can't seem to stop my mind's imagery from playing
But again and again ... always reading into the signs.
Maybe they're there. Maybe they're not.
Maybe it's easier if i just stop all this nonsense.
all of it. just yell CUT. and then scene complete.
and then finally .. then finally.. I'll be off of this fence.


Shimmering. Shining. Bright & profuse.
So much to gain. With nothing to lose.
Intriguing. Intoxicating. Drunk with delight.
Yet still I combat without winning this fight.
Brilliant & beaming. This light's gone ablaze.
But still so behind and lost deep in this maze.
Gleaming & glowing. How I wish it were true....
Somehow you should know that all I really want is you.

il scemo.

un po'di lui. un po'di te.
perché di lui vedo troppo in te.
perché come lui mi farai piangere mille notte.
e come lui non mi darai mai una risposta giusta.
no.. no.. di sicuro sono sbagliata..
che pensavo per un attimo che volevo solo te.
ma adesso vedo la verità.
che problemi ne hai tanti. troppo. abbastanti.
certamente non vorrei prenderle su di me.
no.. no.. è meglio così.
che io vado da qui.. e tu vada da qui.
a quelle parte.. le conosci bene già.
non hai bisogno del mio aiuto per mostrarti la via.
di sicuro te la cavi benissimo da solo.
tu continui a seguire quello che confusa.
tu continui a dare fiato alle assurdità che tu insegui.
mentre io continuerò con le mie follie..
che sono abbastanza senza avere le vostre giochi di mente.
allora.. addio amico mio.
forse ci vedremo in un altro tempo.
..un altro modo... un'altra vita.
speravo tanto che potevi essere lui.
ma vedi che i sbagli, si fanno tanto e troppo facilmente.
cose che ti fanno restare ciechi!!

I sip on dreams and choke on real things...

i'm not sure of you.
i'm not sure of me.
i'm not really sure of anything really.

i have no clue
why i feel how i do.
why i toss and i turn
and i lay awake still.

i can't seem to figure
out reasons for feelings
i can't make some sense
from the tears that keep coming

for as long as i can remember
it's always been the same
but what is it that i'm looking for
and what is it that i want?

is it even you? or never was.
was it me? and just because
i wanted desperately the perfect plan
of what i want and need in a man

I know i make no sense
i hardly understand myself
trying to pinpoint the moment
when it all began
seems futile.

so restless.
so restless.
so unserene.
a life of daydreams.
waiting for something.
not knowing what that something is.
not knowing when i started waiting.
not knowing why i even wanted to.
not knowing when i can say i've found it.
and so i blah blah blah some more over here.
and i'll carry it on til the morning next week.
with a little something of nothing to say how i feel.
just to know if what's wanted could ever be real.
just to wait and to think. and to think far too much.
just to hold on to thoughts. they're my light. they're my crutch.

i don't know how to carry it on
sans the idealistic views
because it's all i know

Again and again this feeling...

so long.. so long.. so much time. from there to here.
yet i'm still drawn. going back.. and then forth..
constantly revisiting the scene of the crime.
no control. no way to know. just keep on moving.
with an occasional visit. to the time of back then
back when. with this feeling left.. i'm not feeling fine.
when you keep going round and around on the same ride
you have to hold on tight to keep from falling off.
and you hold on with your dear life. and even when thrown off.
you'll get right back on it.
with a feeling that sickens your stomach.
ahhhh.. such ecstasy.
like a cheap drug induced high.
now everything is perfectly imperfect again.
perfectly disasterous.
perfectly insane.. so perfectly rocky.
how long do you endure the ride?
and what if..... you're like me
and you decided.
you decided.
after you've had enough.
enough of the uncertainty. and the sicknesss. and you grow so tired..
and it aches. it aches too much.
but maybe i'm not better off. and maybe i will never know.
cuz i chose something else.
i chose to get off at the next stop.

A little paranoia never hurt anyone.

I feel a gaze upon me..
always lurking.. always hovering.
hiding 'round corners.. creeping and crawling.
there's no time to tell my story.. cuz it's already known.
I see when I'm watched..
My tales are told.. and then it's read
and maybe then it's read again
and checking up is becoming a common practice...
I don't know how else to divulge
pure ramblings of my scattered mind
cuz who knows how it will be taken
as it's read. and it's so quiet. and then it's read again.
I see how easy it is to hide..
I know how clever some kinds may be..
And although I put it out for all to see...
I feel betrayed when they see it all..
Cuz I can't quite see the same in return
and I will not search and I will not prowl
I just want upfront. Nothing hidden well
Think I'll keep my thoughts from here on, to myself.........................

Trial and error.

remember when they chased you down to find out what your name was?
remember when we got along so well, better than anyone else could?
remember when we'd talk for hours and hours on end til the sun came up?
always making me laugh uncontrollably.. i was always such a sucker for that....

but things weren't right. and then they were. and then they weren't. and then they were.
and over and over again we played that game. in and out. and back and forth.
but knowing well that things weren't proper. knowing that we didn't see eye to eye.
i still held on so tightly and fought with great effort.... because of that burning fire.

that fire. that flame. the one that consumes us. don't know how to extinguish it. i wish i did..
sometimes it's so good. sometimes it's so bad. but either way.. you stick it out.. cuz it's burning so bright.
and it takes so much out of you. it's numbing. the agony and ecstasy. overtaking your life.
yet we still make the choice. we know it . we live it. it's constantly on a roller coaster ride.

but trial and error is needed you see. and maybe there isn't that fire you see.
or maybe it just takes some time to light it you see. and maybe one day it can burn bright you'll see.
and maybe you have to be patient and wait. regardless of how you've ever been in the past.
it's testing. it's waiting. it's checking it out. but you have to dive in or you'll never find out.

or maybe it won't ever burn up at all. and maybe it just isn't meant to light up.
it's possible that it's not better that way. it may never burn quite as bright as you want.
and fire is warm. and fire needed. it's passion to fuel your love going through mountains.
so, to not have it present can cause quite infractions. depending on how bright your own fire is.

but chances are there to be given and taken. and if you feel there's a flicker, then you really should chance it.
cause maybe you didn't know enough. or maybe right then it just wasn't right.
but i know if you never tried. if you never even wanted to explore your many options..
then you may miss out on something.... that could burn so very bright. and never have that chance again. and lose in the end.

standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat...

of me. of you. of everyone else.
coward? half-assed? simply avoidable.
simply deniable. always regrettable.
somehow replaceable. never the same.
of here and now. and sometime before.
chaotic. depression. i'm manic. i'm frantic.
i'm happy as pie. i'm ok. i'm alright.
it's all different. it's all the same.
with the pressures all over. first you're in. then you're out.
then you're in. and always somewhere in between.
constant scramble. such a gamble.
win or lose. which do you choose?
there's hesitation. and separation.
back away from strain and stress.
running fast with such duress.
fear? no. can't be.. i'm fearless you see.
what a lie. so i say. and i just turn away.
can't cope. have no hope.
can't relax... can't let go.
can't let go. can't be free.
it's of you. it's of me.
it's of everyone else around you see.
it's entirely new. it's so boring and old.
and it's always the same. and it's always in vain.
such a struggle. how i juggle.
all these things. with broken wings.
what's stopping you? what's holding you back?
spit it out. cough it up. get this shit on fucking track.
in the sidelines. always quiet. always sleeping. never dormant.
in or out. there's so much doubt.
just run away. too hard to stay.
dunno what i'll find. today. tomorrow.
or ever. or never.
but it's me.
and it's you.
and it's everyone else.
can't deny.
won't reply.
in the end..
we all lose.

Mistrust & Illusions.

here i go again.. blaming myself. but what do i know about everything else?
not a damn little thing. not a tad. not a bit.
there i go pouring out my soul over and over again.

i let it all out. i've spoken far too much. you know each and every corner by now.
but yet you still do not speak. you still do not share.
i have no idea of you. of all the why's and the when's.

i've said it before. i'll say it again. you're not what you seem despite how you act.
perhaps it's your lure.. to bring it all in
perhaps just a ploy to snag and keep her caught.

i know nothing. i see nothing. a man of few words.. how about no words instead.
but you play it so well..i'm sure you've done it before.
But Trust you, my dear boy, i must say.... i do not.

If I could be.

if i could be the one for you, i'd sign my name upon your chest
i'd seal it tight with a seal of wax. hold onto you forever more...
if i could be what's good for you, i'd sell my dreams and buy a home
and steal away most of your time. the world around us we'd explore.

if i could be adoring you, i'd steal your kisses under stars
and whisper secrets hidden well to only you when night came down
if i could be of sounder mind, i'd choose much better than how i do now
but he steals the thunder and steals the sun with every time he comes around.

if i could be just anything. i'd be the one who'd be for you
and see the same thing that you see when you are looking right at me.
if i could be her and much much more, i would.. i really couldn't wish for more
but i can't quite be what you want from me, til what's locked up tight will one day be set free...


I don't know who's wearing a mask
I don't know who's painted all up
I don't know who's acting the part
I don't know who's real anymore
I know what I hear
I know what they tell me
I know what I see
I know how they lie
I know what happens behind closed doors
I know that they show you what they think you want to see
I know that they're worse than the others
I know because they sit and they fake when they need to
I don't know why they do this
I don't know why they're cowards
I don't know why they pretend that nothing does matter
I don't know how they can make those choices over again
I know all about you. and you. and you.
I know what you don't even know about you.
I know that I'm completely perplexed as to how stupid they can be
I know that I'm beside myself of the blurry lies they tell eachother to ease their loneliness.
I don't know how to be that way.
I don't know how to pretend I like them.
I don't know how to lie to your faces over and over and over and over again.
The lovely way you people seem to know how to do with perfection and ease.
See, I don't know any of that stuff.
I have no answers.
And I'm hurt.
I'm appalled.
I'm confused.
I'm disgusted.
I'm a million things all into one.
Yet I'm nothing at all because I don't fit the scheme.
I'd love to pretend and I'd love to be fake
I'd love for it all to be like nothing ever happened
I'd love to be best friends forever. I'd love to be your sidekick
I'd love to kick you behind your back, be a liar, be a cheater and still hold your hand so tightly.
If that would make it all ok. If that would make me belong.
Then I'd pretend to love that all.. I'd pretend to let things pass.
But you see.. I don't know how to be like that.
And I don't love it for one second.

And I think the most horrible things right now about those people
And you can't change my mind.
Because it's FUCKED UP. and I really hope some would agree with me.
Thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better.
You see.. I would really love to believe you.
I would really love to forgive and forget.
But I don't know how to be that noble.
and I don't know how to believe them anymore.


People would rather salvage empty relationships
And hold on to the ones that hurt them most
Than to befriend the ones who back them up;
Than to stick around with who they can trust.
Who stand by your side;
Who don't pass judgement;
Who sincerely give a damn;
Who will hear you lament;
Who genuinely care;
Who never wronged you;
Who give all their support;
Who are real, who are true.
I'm not one for poems
I'm not one for reasons
I'm not one for making
people see the seasons
I'm just here like everyone else
I have nothing more to prove
I'm just all the same
and I hurt when you lose.
But I can't keep pretending
when this play plays around me
That you're true like I am
I can see that quite clearly.
I'm here to be me.
I won't argue the case
I'm gunna be honest...
and I'll say it with haste.
A lie is still a lie.. even if unspoken.
A fake is still a fake.. even if unacted.
A cover up.. so perfectly.. yet so flawed.
Of deceit and secrecies.. protection of outlaws.
I don't mind walking with few beside me
I have no problems leaving behind comrades in life
I really do not hesitate to keep moving forward
I prefer to distance myself from all this strife
But as I walk onwards with peace of mind
You must question who you're left with along your side.
Because you made your choices, you picked your path.
And perhaps those you choose can mirror your stride.

Who knows why people think the way that they will.
Who knows why people make the choices they do.
There is only one thing that I can tell you for certain.
They are really the only things I know that are true.
I'll never lie. I'll never cheat.
I'll never sabotage with deceit.
I'll never steal. I'll never hate.
I'll be the one who always waits.
I'll never leave when times are tough.
I'll hold you up when things are rough.
I love. I hurt. I cry the same as you.
I'm honest. I'm sincere. I'm always most true.

I leave then with that said.
While paths still will be chosen.
And I'll still be made the fool..
And you'll continue with your own erosion.


Why are people such dirty whores?
So many. Too many.
Why are people such fakes?
Pretending to be something just to fit this predefined mold.
People sell their own souls to get what they want.
Where they want. A piece of the pie. At any cost.
No matter what. No matter how.
I just don't understand it.
I don't want any part of it.
Is it even all worth it in the end?
and if i choose to go down my own route instead of following the masses,
does that make me the deviant here?
Fuck them all.