my messy mess.

Healing is messy

It's sloppy

It's out of the lines kinda madness

It's really high

And then super low

With piles upon piles of stress

It's knowing deeply

Then feeling doubt

That kind that makes you lose your footing

It's grief that kills

And suffocates you

While you're between deep breaths and sobbing

Healing is exhausting

With endless layers

That you peel back so reluctantly

It's the alchemy

Of what is you

The you that's deeply, wholly, truly

The one you hid

And never showed

In fears of simply never being

Part of this

Or even that

And maybe now you're finally seeing

Just how much pain

You'll never gain

If you continue to deceive you

I want the rawness

I want it all

I want what is deep, divine and true

It's hard to be

In such a sea

Of inauthentic smiles and gestures

Best to retreat

And be discreet

And then stay away from these false lures

The reality is... I don't trust what I feel anymore.  The truth is bitter on my lips.

I've always been one to have my head in the clouds. Believing is madness.  

And "happy endings are only in the movies, max"

Best to be practical

 Steadfast. 

Forward moving. With my plans.

Forget the rest. The best and messed.

I'm done with painting pictures of things that don't exist.

I'm done with creating larger than life roles for protagonists who can't even pass for a shitty b class actor. 

Healing can be messy..

It can make you see the truth

Of every single thing around you that you've never seen before. 

But the truth will set you free

Of your guilded rusted cage

That kept you bound in dreams forever & now you finally can escape. 

giusi 🖤 dec.10.2019

Lessons Learned

What is the lesson here to learn..?

What kind of lesson makes you burn

In a fire so hungry that it consumes all

And yet have nothing to break your fall

What kind of lesson will make you see?

That there's no such thing as 'meant to be'

When you're thrown in pits of deep despair

And left to die within, while you gasp for air

What kind of lesson would make you cry?

While you're left to ponder the reason why

That the heavens above seem to show to you 

many things that are false, many things so untrue

What kind of lesson would bring such pain?

Leave you wondering if you have gone insane

Seeing signs and synchronicity in every which way

While your edges and sanity start to fray

What kind of lesson would disappoint so?

And in typical fashion, deliver a blow

So hard and so poignant, direct to your gut

you collapse to the ground & left wondering what..

the lessons that seem to be coming your way

To show you how wrong you have been every day

Cuz it never is how you have seemed to believe

And the angels and guides only seem to deceive

So, take all your lessons away from me now

I don't even know the who and the how

Of what I did think and feel deep in my soul

And the agony has by now taken its toll

So, finality comes to a close now at last

And complete is the lesson of the future & past

I have learned not to ever believe, not to trust

And that magic is nothing but a mere handful of dust... 

Fin.

-giusi.dec.1.2019

afraid to let you in.

a vulnerability like no other
susceptibility to this pain..
i lead a life far from others..
i tend to like it most that way
far in between the way you move me
i cannot shake this hold it has
of me and to the deepest core
and seems to last eternally
i know you well.. more than the others
i seem to have been here once before
a familiarity that lingers deeply
i know not what it means at all
for in the past that brings me closer
and draws me deeper down this hole
of what entwines us both together
from somewhere far and long ago
it scares me so to let you in
it frightens me most violently
the burn of fire quite this bright
must leave a mark if left unchecked
how do you tend to such a flame?
that shows you all your darkest parts?
yet tenderly warms up the spots
that have been hidden since the start
it beckons me with such a hunger
but still i turn away so swift
geography is no match at all
for this thread the binds two souls as such
but today i see it differently
so tired and so worn..
as i bring my white flag upwardly
it's time to stop this war..
a war within my very heart
that's kept me far away
from all the joys that long for me
and have lead me so astray
i raise my hands most definitely
towards the sky above
and i know i lay it on the line
to show myself right now......

but i need to be clear
and i need to be quick
and I need to say all that has come to the top
this is all about me
and all the things that i see
when i'm faced with all reality
is it wrong to believe
that we all have reprieve
if only for one quick short moment?
this space here is mine
i made it this way
so sacred , so quiet and free
i fought far too long
in battles before
to risk making this all go away
it's scary, you see
and you've never been one
to have all your cards out on the table
and it's shady, you see
to trust less than i see
when there's never assurance before me
but to know what i feel
is to know what is real
and i cannot deny it no longer
and it hurts when i breathe
how you run away, dear
but the road is a long one before us
so, i write all of this
to unload my burden
that falls heavy upon my bare chest
but you know all the rest
it's been said quite a bit
and i know that eternity's near

so, i propose one last thing
that you'll come to my end
and decide what it is that you feel
and perhaps you will see
that this road you will join
if you make it your mission to heal
i know you are strong
you're one of a kind
your passion and brightness astounds me
even though you don't know
and feel so quite inept..
you're the king of it all.. now just claim it.
or lie once again
and retreat to your caves
and you'll never know richness and greatness
of this kind that brings warmth
to the soul that's within
and a flame that heats hotter with passion
but the fear locks us in
never know or reveal
it's too scary to see how it fails us
not to take any chances
and leave before dancing
it's much safer and better this way..


it's much safer and better
and i know that i'm betting
too much if i just took a chance
cuz the fear is too real
and it takes over me
than to trust that it's a true romance......


{g.b.  03.18.2019}