Thursday, July 26, 2007
i'm happy that it's not all twisted and knotted in the pit of my stomach anymore.
i'm so relieved it's finally gone.. and so serene with things blown over
i never thought it'd happen soon.. i never thought it'd happen ever...
loss of control over mind and feelings.. that's all come back so suddenly
and any drawbacks and unsettled stories... can finally move back to end of the drawers.
cuz i was standing alone here with shakey limbs.. teetering and tottering
to confusion, misgivings.. reading into signs.. and seeing into absolutely nothing at all....
i see something good. i see something great. i see something so immensely full of life.
but i see something wounded. i see something lost. and i see something never giving up the fight..
it's kinda sad.. it's kinda tragic. i see a lot more than maybe i should be seeing.
but it's not my place to say. it's not my place to question. it's not my place to stir and make a big commotion.
i have the reins back again. i'm feeling ok. and i'm feeling better.
i'm happy stable grounds are beneath my feet once again..
i'm feeling good about the days to come. about tomorrow's great big plan.
and now i'm feeling all ok about it. don't think it could be any other way..
and that's ok.
and that's ok.
and that's alright with me.
I think it's the only way to be.
I think it's the only way, you see.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
blinded and clouded minded.
inside out and upside down.
and all over and under the place.
no control over any of it
no chance of escape.
can't make a run for it.
can't see the other side.
and it's happening still
repeating. it stops. and it starts all again.
i'm blinded. i'm binded. losing all sight of things.
not fair. i'm angry. annoyed. it's making me sick.
imagination running wild.
and it's happening too much.
it's taking over too much.
it's just way too much.
not sure what to do.
it's your fault. it's mine. it's nobody's at all.
just repeating. and stopping. and starting over again.
can't get it out. can't take it off.
my mind's just a moving reel
cycling maybes and what if's
and it's getting old fast...
and it's getting cold fast.
i'm drowning in dreams
that you'll never know of
i'm grasping at chances
that never were mine
i'm hoping for one day
and hoping in time
and waiting for nothing
and waiting for something
and waiting and waiting.
silent mouthed. lips are sealed.
one more time on repeat...
not quite ready to stop...
start this over again...
Sunday, July 8, 2007
untied. unglued. pull apart and turn it loosestep away from it for now.take a breather.. take a breaktake some time to think it overor not think at allor just sit stilland walk awayfor just a moment. just a day. or maybe moreand just forget. or turn awayit only soaks too much up anywayschange the scenerychange the lights. change the way you think aboutdifferent route. different plans.none of them with you in mindknowing better. seeing clearer.steps away and miles aparttoo close for comfort. too far from here.it's something i just have to do.i need some time.i needed more.i wanted more.and it's not here.so, flick the switchand turn it off....it's finally time to disconnect.
in such a state
of disaster... where i'm left
to pick up the broken pieces
where i try... and try..
but i just cry and cry...
cuz i can't seem to play the game right
and i'm always right back at the start
but nuthin ever changes...
the evil lies within
and it hangs low
and hides beneath
the layers of artificial sweetner
and i try and i try..
but i still cry..
oh how i cry...
i push myself
ahead of me..
to find a way to you
to find a place
to dream away
to become real
to become whole
to become fused together
when that exists
then it can be good.
but it's not..
and i try..
and i try...
i still cry, and i'll cry...
you leave me here
under yer darkness
of fallen shadows
left to wilt
left to rot
left to wallow in yer decay
you make me die.
you make me cry.
you make me try..
i try so hard..
you make me cry.. and cry and cry...
you make me cry and cry and cry..
you make me cry and cry and cry..
but i still try.. oh, how i try.
and i'll always try..
even though i'll always cry...
til our last goodbye.
and i still cry...
where did they go to?
they seem to have disappeared
and i haven't got a single clue
as to when they will return
or if they even will
must i stay and wait here
at the top of this high hill?
for chivalry and manners
that don't exist no more,
for bravery and loyalties
and love right through the core.
Is it all gone.. is it all dead?
Cuz i can't seem to find any
on this lonely road i tread.
The knights have all gone
and aren't coming back.
Or maybe they've just wandered off
and somehow gotten off track
But i guess i'll just be patient
and wait until the day
that the knights will all come back
and clear away all this decay.
to not think of the other
both are bad news
so why do i bother?
let me go over it
and explain it to you
so perhaps you might have
a much clearer view
of the reasons i sit
and obsess over this
and make trouble for me
my whole world is amiss
let me start with the first
since that one is past
of a dream of forever
which never did last
a most difficult time
of so bumpy a ride
and i can't count the times
of nights that i cried
but still we were friends
the best of the kind
i'm glad for the love
and good times i did find
no looking back now
the book has been closed
so tortured the heart
but you know how it goes
so now i begin
number two, here we go
but where do i start?
cuz it's all kinda slow
this one's much harder
cuz mine he was not
but i'm crazy about him
a heck of a lot!
he's bad news for sure
i should keep away
but i can't seem to stop
for just even one day
he has such a hold
over me it's unreal
but it'll never be known
to him just how i feel
there's no other boy
quite like him you see
but he's so very wrong
and just not made for me
but he's the only one
who's been able to free
my mind from the other
and you just have to see
his haunting brown eyes
oh gawd how i melt
this crazy attraction
i've never quite felt
he keeps me smiling
with his childish antics
he's just like a drug
and i sure need a fix
the only one person
who's made me refrain
from thinking of times
when my heart was so drained
and maybe i'm silly
for behaving this way
but anything will do
when your heart has decayed
to keep from remembering
all things of the other
until maybe one day
i shall find me another
and maybe it's such
a cheap made replacement
but my days are just filled
of dismal resentment
so, do i drop him too
and just think of the first?
or do i hold on to him..?
i feel like i'm cursed!
i hate that i feel
so incredibly helpless
to love and attraction
but i'm getting so restless
i miss so much
of what i left behind
i need to move forward
and stop with this rewind
of things that will never
be the way that they were
it's crazy just how much
your poor heart does endure
so.. this is my story
of boy one and boy two
i'm not sure if it helped
to give you a clue
cuz i'm surely not seeing
anything any clearer
and i'm still in the same spot
yet i'm still a believer
of romance and love
and keeping up hope
of something so sacred
that binds stronger than rope
i guess i'll just sit here
and wait for the day
when finally i can smile
and it shall all be okay.
inside my mind... inside my soul
clenching a fist around my heart
squeezing, and tugging, and ripping apart
floating about this cloudy sky
drifting away... losing the ground
pushing away from off the track
falling away... sinking below
turning around and round in circles
spinning too fast... out of control
breaking apart at all the cracks
coming undone... crumbling down
losing my sleep on empty nights
dreaming away... waking too soon
losing my grip on my own self
letting it go... giving it up.
rising above for one more moment
starting again... living to feel it.
so, i'm not the gurL who will take your shit.
so, i'm not the gurL who'll be mean and use you to get stuff.
so, i'm not the gurL who will play with your heart and feelings.
so, i'm not the gurL who talks dirty to all the boys.
so, i'm not the gurL who puts herself out there.
so, i'm not that daredevil, risk-taker that lives my life on the edge.
so, i'm not that mousey-slave gurL.
so, i'm not a modeL.
so, i'm not accomplished.
so, i'm not wealthy.
so, i'm not famous and glamourous.
so, i'm not a trophy girlfriend.
i'm the girl with a big heart.
i'm the girl with the big dreams.
i'm the girl with too many giggles.
i'm the girl who's domesticated and chef supreme.
i'm the girl who wants to work hard for a living.
i'm the girl who wants my own space.
i'm the girl who gives you space.
i'm the girl who wants to hold you so close.
i'm the girl who will make you soup.
i'm the girl with old fashioned antics.
i'm the girl that always cries at sappy movies.
i'm the girl who won't give up on you.
i'm the girl who will push you forward.
i'm the girl who will hold on if you fall.
i'm the girl who will always be loyal.
i'm the girl who wants to love you so badly..
but that's not the girl you want.. is it?
and thoughts run rampant through my sad and tired mind.
and lately it seems like it's always the same scene
being played over and over again on some sort of repeat
just how much control do we have over our choices
and can you alter the paths by loudening our voices?
when you have no idea of what lies ahead of you
never sure, never knowing of the things you should do.
guarantees, there are none. it's a risk all around
and the stakes are real high... so much shit going down.
you can't pick, unless you know. there's no choice but to try
hesitation. bad decisions. my emotions running dry...
there's a track you have to keep on.. push ahead.. and keep on going
leave behind the chance of greatness.. there's no way of ever knowing.
but you tried. and you've cried. and all hope has dimmed this time
with every reason and every season that you phrase into your rhyme.
but never once can i catch a glimpse of what is going on inside
and to be quite honest over here, i think you're taking me for a ride.
it's always riddles and it's always this and it's always not really defined.
it's so much easier to hide behind your loss, and continue being blind.
so.. i stay awake. with randomness. and many thoughts all gone awry
as i question everything you do. and every reason why..
cuz i just don't buy it that easily.. and maybe i'm just all wrong
or maybe i've just seen the things i've wanted to all along....
Cuz I can't seem to find the reason
why no one turns around.
And maybe it's my fault
and perhaps i am to blame
having such high expectations
and doing what's right seems all in vain
that just do not add up
I'm feeling pretty low about it
and i think i've had enough.
Dunno how to pretend no more
Dunno quite how to act
Cuz nothing's as it really seems
we're missing all the facts.
and i'm probably guilty too
but did you ever stop and think
that i was only protecting you?
but people will not rest so easily
needing fuel to add to their fire.
and in the long run what is it they get..?
a whole bunch of truths and them left as the liar.
when it's all been said and done
cuz it's really myself i should blame
for handing you over the gun.
Control of my actions i have
though i never quite seem to know how
so, i try to make sense of the others
and i'm lost more than ever right now.
everyone's doing their part
in the game just to win the grande prize
even though we might break someone's heart.
Whether it's yours, or mine or theirs
there's always someone who gets caught
There's no use pointing fingers to blame
We're all left feeling somewhat distraught.
and it's obvious which things I should change
it's not quite as simple to do though...
when it's your whole life you need to rearrange.
So.. excuse all the mess and confusion
and pardon my lack of concern
while i clean up the wreckage around me
Just another life lesson i've learned
i'd keep on moving so unaware
not yer typical run of the mill kinda prick
my emotional, sensitive ways keep me reeling
still i have no idea why i keep on believing.
just so bored of your usual lame old discourse
seems to me i've been trying to hold on with such force
when all along it was him who was always the source.
this ship of contempt for you is finally sinking
cuz the light i once saw in you has finally gone dim.
And i can't seem to stop my mind's imagery from playing
Maybe it's easier if i just stop all this nonsense.
all of it. just yell CUT. and then scene complete.
So much to gain. With nothing to lose.
Intriguing. Intoxicating. Drunk with delight.
Yet still I combat without winning this fight.
Brilliant & beaming. This light's gone ablaze.
But still so behind and lost deep in this maze.
Gleaming & glowing. How I wish it were true....
Somehow you should know that all I really want is you.
perché di lui vedo troppo in te.
perché come lui mi farai piangere mille notte.
e come lui non mi darai mai una risposta giusta.
che pensavo per un attimo che volevo solo te.
ma adesso vedo la verità.
che problemi ne hai tanti. troppo. abbastanti.
certamente non vorrei prenderle su di me.
che io vado da qui.. e tu vada da qui.
a quelle parte.. le conosci bene già.
non hai bisogno del mio aiuto per mostrarti la via.
di sicuro te la cavi benissimo da solo.
tu continui a dare fiato alle assurdità che tu insegui.
mentre io continuerò con le mie follie..
che sono abbastanza senza avere le vostre giochi di mente.
forse ci vedremo in un altro tempo.
..un altro modo... un'altra vita.
ma vedi che i sbagli, si fanno tanto e troppo facilmente.
i'm not sure of you.
i'm not sure of me.
i'm not really sure of anything really.
i have no clue
why i feel how i do.
why i toss and i turn
and i lay awake still.
i can't seem to figure
out reasons for feelings
i can't make some sense
from the tears that keep coming
for as long as i can remember
it's always been the same
but what is it that i'm looking for
and what is it that i want?
is it even you? or never was.
was it me? and just because
i wanted desperately the perfect plan
of what i want and need in a man
I know i make no sense
i hardly understand myself
trying to pinpoint the moment
when it all began
a life of daydreams.
waiting for something.
not knowing what that something is.
not knowing when i started waiting.
not knowing why i even wanted to.
not knowing when i can say i've found it.
and so i blah blah blah some more over here.
and i'll carry it on til the morning next week.
with a little something of nothing to say how i feel.
just to know if what's wanted could ever be real.
just to wait and to think. and to think far too much.
just to hold on to thoughts. they're my light. they're my crutch.
i don't know how to carry it on
sans the idealistic views
because it's all i know
remember when we got along so well, better than anyone else could?
remember when we'd talk for hours and hours on end til the sun came up?
always making me laugh uncontrollably.. i was always such a sucker for that....
but things weren't right. and then they were. and then they weren't. and then they were.
and over and over again we played that game. in and out. and back and forth.
but knowing well that things weren't proper. knowing that we didn't see eye to eye.
i still held on so tightly and fought with great effort.... because of that burning fire.
that fire. that flame. the one that consumes us. don't know how to extinguish it. i wish i did..
sometimes it's so good. sometimes it's so bad. but either way.. you stick it out.. cuz it's burning so bright.
and it takes so much out of you. it's numbing. the agony and ecstasy. overtaking your life.
yet we still make the choice. we know it . we live it. it's constantly on a roller coaster ride.
but trial and error is needed you see. and maybe there isn't that fire you see.
or maybe it just takes some time to light it you see. and maybe one day it can burn bright you'll see.
and maybe you have to be patient and wait. regardless of how you've ever been in the past.
it's testing. it's waiting. it's checking it out. but you have to dive in or you'll never find out.
or maybe it won't ever burn up at all. and maybe it just isn't meant to light up.
it's possible that it's not better that way. it may never burn quite as bright as you want.
and fire is warm. and fire needed. it's passion to fuel your love going through mountains.
so, to not have it present can cause quite infractions. depending on how bright your own fire is.
but chances are there to be given and taken. and if you feel there's a flicker, then you really should chance it.
cause maybe you didn't know enough. or maybe right then it just wasn't right.
but i know if you never tried. if you never even wanted to explore your many options..
then you may miss out on something.... that could burn so very bright. and never have that chance again. and lose in the end.
coward? half-assed? simply avoidable.
simply deniable. always regrettable.
somehow replaceable. never the same.
of here and now. and sometime before.
chaotic. depression. i'm manic. i'm frantic.
i'm happy as pie. i'm ok. i'm alright.
it's all different. it's all the same.
with the pressures all over. first you're in. then you're out.
then you're in. and always somewhere in between.
constant scramble. such a gamble.
win or lose. which do you choose?
there's hesitation. and separation.
back away from strain and stress.
running fast with such duress.
fear? no. can't be.. i'm fearless you see.
what a lie. so i say. and i just turn away.
can't cope. have no hope.
can't relax... can't let go.
can't let go. can't be free.
it's of you. it's of me.
it's of everyone else around you see.
it's entirely new. it's so boring and old.
and it's always the same. and it's always in vain.
such a struggle. how i juggle.
all these things. with broken wings.
what's stopping you? what's holding you back?
spit it out. cough it up. get this shit on fucking track.
in the sidelines. always quiet. always sleeping. never dormant.
in or out. there's so much doubt.
just run away. too hard to stay.
dunno what i'll find. today. tomorrow.
or ever. or never.
but it's me.
and it's you.
and it's everyone else.
in the end..
we all lose.
there i go pouring out my soul over and over again.
i let it all out. i've spoken far too much. you know each and every corner by now.
i have no idea of you. of all the why's and the when's.
i've said it before. i'll say it again. you're not what you seem despite how you act.
perhaps just a ploy to snag and keep her caught.
i know nothing. i see nothing. a man of few words.. how about no words instead.
But Trust you, my dear boy, i must say.... i do not.
i'd seal it tight with a seal of wax. hold onto you forever more...
if i could be what's good for you, i'd sell my dreams and buy a home
and steal away most of your time. the world around us we'd explore.
if i could be adoring you, i'd steal your kisses under stars
and whisper secrets hidden well to only you when night came down
if i could be of sounder mind, i'd choose much better than how i do now
but he steals the thunder and steals the sun with every time he comes around.
if i could be just anything. i'd be the one who'd be for you
and see the same thing that you see when you are looking right at me.
if i could be her and much much more, i would.. i really couldn't wish for more
but i can't quite be what you want from me, til what's locked up tight will one day be set free...
I know what they tell me
I know what I see
I know because they sit and they fake when they need to
I don't know why they're cowards
I don't know why they pretend that nothing does matter
I know that I'm completely perplexed as to how stupid they can be
I don't know how to pretend I like them.
The lovely way you people seem to know how to do with perfection and ease.
I have no answers.
And I'm hurt.
I'm a million things all into one.
Yet I'm nothing at all because I don't fit the scheme.
I'd love for it all to be like nothing ever happened
I'd love to be best friends forever. I'd love to be your sidekick
I'd love to kick you behind your back, be a liar, be a cheater and still hold your hand so tightly.
Then I'd pretend to love that all.. I'd pretend to let things pass.
And I don't love it for one second.
And I think the most horrible things right now about those people
Because it's FUCKED UP. and I really hope some would agree with me.
Thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better.
I would really love to forgive and forget.
and I don't know how to believe them anymore.
Who knows why people think the way that they will.
Who knows why people make the choices they do.
There is only one thing that I can tell you for certain.
They are really the only things I know that are true.
I'll never steal. I'll never hate.
I'll be the one who always waits.
I'll hold you up when things are rough.
I love. I hurt. I cry the same as you.
I leave then with that said.
While paths still will be chosen.
So many. Too many.
Pretending to be something just to fit this predefined mold.
Where they want. A piece of the pie. At any cost.
No matter what. No matter how.