Sunday, March 25, 2018

capacity to love.

feel me here.   with your hands.  soft and close.  gentle and calm. calm and warm... soft and sweet.
it isn't something to ignore.  it isn't something you can hide from anymore.
it isn't something you can stall any longer.   it isn't something to deny. it isn't something to pass over.
it is you. it is me. it is was always you .. inside of you.   and inside of me. 
and it's growing so rapidly.. you cannot exhale. and you do not understand.
but that's okay.  you don't have to. not yet.  you're not there yet.
you will be soon.  but i can guide you. for i am you. you are me.
and it's here. and it's everywhere.  and it electrifies your skin.  and it makes no sense to you.
and you're scared. and that's okay. i know.
but it's okay.   just find you. inside you.    find you.  love you.  love you deeply. 
nothing else matters. except that love.  and the capacity of love you have to feel for yourself is so profound.    find it.  open it up. feel it. live it.  know it.  hold it. it's you. it's all.
the time is now.
you can no longer avoid this.   they won't let you. 
and you know this now. 
you must deal with your inner self...  calm the noise, ease the pain
understand only this.   that there is no use fighting  or resisting.
for it is in the path of least resistance that we truly glide through life on this energetic wave of euphoria and love.       
love. so much love.
give in. fully. completely.
it is you. 
step into you.
step into your power.
and your capacity to love.
if you only knew who you were and the crown you wear..
how bold and brilliant you are.
how heroic, strong, unwavering, compassionate and moving you are.
learn it. see it. feel it.
it is you.
it always was.
find it. find it now.
i'll be here.    .xo.

[ open letter to my mirror ]

Thursday, June 2, 2016

You are nothing to me. (x infinity)

Erase all the thoughts, all the things, all that went on.
Erase all of them, clear the slate, now it's all gone.

Your lies, and your games, and your ruse that you play on,
Erased, from my mind, from my soul, from my heart drum.

That beats ever long, ever strong with my passion.
That sounds ever loud, such sweet song and attraction

That you'll never hold, never see, never witness
Nevermore, not again, on your life, you won't have this.

I have cleared all of you from my mind, you're deleted.
All because you have played with my heart and depleted

All of that which was good, which was bright, you made dimmer.
Now you'll no longer live in the light of my glimmer.

There are no memories of you I keep inside of me
Because there was no truth to you as far as i can see

So, be gone and gone for so so long, be gone for good this time
Because i'm over all this toxic waste and i'm running out of rhyme

I chose myself and let it run, away from what was wrong
I chose to be the chosen one, and sing my own true song.

So, erase.. erase.. each tiny little fragment of my memory
I want it gone, each bit of it, So that I will no longer see

A thought, an image .. a feeling, that may still linger on
I made it so it's gone, you see.. it was always just a con.

You matter not, no more, my friend, You matter not at all.
All feelings that were good and true, are now replaced or null.

Just apathy and most disgust for all you truly were,
To think i tried to help you once. a love that was so pure.

But every little bit of that is gone forever now.
I chose myself, this is the end, and now let's take a bow.

For you will never have me, or any part of me, you see..
Cuz for now and all eternity,  you will always just be nothing to me.

x infinity.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

the mask removed.

empty. vacant. hollow.  stark.  barren. dry.  & dark. & bleak
these are just the words i see when i think about what's left of  me

so cunning,, oh your lies.. oh your lies.
i'm shattered and i'm broken
and what this has done to me.. has changed me into something new.
into something that i do not even recognize anymore
into something that I do not know
into something that i'm scared of
a fortress of the strongest steel, has now been set around me here.

i recoil at the slightest touch...  i recoil at the thought of you
how demons walk upon this earth, i do not know how these things occur
i've lost my rhyme.. and every reason.
i've lost each part of every season.
i've lost the me that i once knew
it's gone and lost and now i'm screwed.
this pain and agony  i'm living in... just holds me tightly in its grip

and no one sees the light gone out. no one sees how dim its been
no one understands the kind of torture i have seen.
no one gets it quite, you see.
i live this nightmare every day.
of knowing not who or what i am. of what transpired.

the how's .. the why's.. the every part of in between
the mistakes of  magic that leaves you entrapped..
that kills your joy and belief in every possible way.

i hope you are happy with what you have done. I hope this brings you so much joy.
the way in which you have destroyed my soul. the every ounce of me that died and went to hell...
for every day and minute that i spent with you.

my back is turned on you.
no. you don't deserve to have me here
or there.
or anywhere near.

i have nothing left inside.  you took it all. you stole it all.
you ripped it out from inside of me.
you watched me bleed.. you bled me dry.
you did this all to me. you did this all to me!
you watched me die. and you did nothing.
you turned away from my pain.  my sorrow.
my devastation.

how vile can one be? so soulless..
so mean.

so destructive.

so ... you.

you see.. i have walked.., i stumbled.  i crawled upon this garden path
that you have led me on.. right from the very weary start.
this game. this farce. this lie.
just to fill your empty cup with me
just to fill your empty soul with glee..
just to take all of  which you can.
just to siphon me of every ounce of light.. every bit of  bright  that i can muster.
and now.. this is all i have.
all i have are these.
which aren't really anything.
so, you did it. you did this. to me. all of it.  i hope you're proud.  i hope it's what you wanted.
to leave me here so dead and gone.  with only vowels and some consonants.
that sound a bit monotone.. and bleed to nothing once they leave your lips..
just shallow simple tiny words.  that i have left inside my hands
like empty. vacant. hollow.  stark.  barren. dry.  & dark. & bleak
are what's remained and left of me..............................................

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Run Dry

uninspired by your lack of indication
senseless actions
of not partaking
always faking
like the rest
like the best..

uninspired by the shallow that surrounds me
of your allusions
to illusions
mean nothing more
than they did before
of stupid.. it's proven
hypocrisy, that's a given

uninspired by the doubt that plagues me
was that a bird?
some common word?
some fluttered wings
i saw those things.
or did i dream?
is what it seems

uninspired by all these choices made so wrong
why can't they see?
who they will be
it's plain as day
yet we all stay
and play the game
that's so the same

uninspired by your hidden truth that lies
because i know
what i do know
and what i hold
is so much more
than any thing
that you may bring
and uninspire me every day with so much there that's gone away
and take it back.. and take it far.
i want a vibrance that rings clear. i want it now to be more real.
and not a stupid feeling or thought or indication
and not your backwards stories of lying actions that you've mastered
over and over to make your own way.
take and put it where you want it to stay.
but take it far away from here.

uninspired i am today.
uninspired in every single way.

[G.B] - Mar.01.2010

Allusions of Delusions

Tell me something softly, tell me something true
Tell me all that ever was, was never really you
Show me how I thought of this, tell me what I saw
And how I've always somehow heard & felt this constant call

Tell me that I made it up, prove to me it's wrong
And every time I've felt this was.. was only cuz of song
But tell me I imagined it & tell me how it's gone
And never was, and never will be, no matter how I long

And tell me it's just in my head, say how it's not there
Tell me how it's not to be & tell me that you swear
Show me how I've been so blind in seeing what's not there
Just tell me how you never had the smallest ounce of care

Tell me that it's all made up, just please just tell me that
And tell me I'm delusional, then tell me that's a fact
For I can stay no longer, it's just too hard to ignore
So tell me this, so I can go & shut this heavy door.

[ G.B ] - Sept.13. 2010

a state of confusion

confused by all that's tossed around
that leaves its scent & taste & sound
to lower u down onto the ground
confusion now has left me crowned

upon this throne of desperate pleas
that brings me down onto my knees
without a clue or clarity
and left amidst these wicked dreams

confused by lack of resolution
that only leads to more confusion
confused by your obscene intrusion
& confused mostly by my delusion....


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Silent Ending

a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a way without words. not shared and not heard.
a vacancy here. so far and so near.
a way to disclose. confessions not told.
repented and sent it. too late. let's forget it.
a sorrow so deep. of what i can't keep.
nor claim as my own. can't be overthrown.
with lips that are sealed. who knows what is real.
it's tragic. this magic won't get past this static.
the ties that bind. your eyes that are blind.
with no way of telling. and my thoughts so compelling
i must turn away with too much dismay
for it's larger than me... and it's all i can see
crashing down like wave. but i gave.. what i gave
never answered. never seen. never shared. no in betweens.
not a moment. never there.. upon your empty vacant stare
the obvious thrown out. as all rides on doubt
untrust of the past makes it all fail to last
but i can't. so i rant.
and i write while i fight
my own demons of what i'm seeing
and i lose... when i choose
anything other to keep me from bother
of holding on tight to this one single light.
that glows brighter still......though it isn't my will.
but to choose is old news
still the same shambled game.

a silence so true. a silence so blue.
a quiet that takes what it takes and that breaks
of not knowing and nor showing
when i sent it well, i meant it
with nothing changed and nothing gained
it weighs a load this tangled road
of nothing there. of this that's bare.
as daydreams grow stale.. and this light it does fail.
when nothing is nothing. and something was always nothing.
it's a waste.. let's make haste
while i turn away here.. and i must now adhere
cuz it's bigger than me... and it's still all i see.
like a fool indeed. dunno how i believed
all this madness... from your sadness
stitch it up nice and tight... seal the doors, then turn right
go on through. don't look back... find a way right off this track.
a lie's still a lie though it's told oh so sly...
and i was tricked by my mind so thick
delusion over reason. imagine it with feeling.
wrap it and adorn it. paint it up and then hang it
but seeing is believing.. and i just ain't seeing.
what one thinks they do see. and you can't disagree.
but i'm lit and i'm on, with my mind overthrown
and it rambles on and on... with hopes and wishes that i'm wrong.
though it's not. i can see... some things just aren't meant to be.
and i'm not strong.. to stay along..
to ride this car along my star.
no, i'm not that tough.. and it's just not enough
decisions are made. to rest it's been laid

to silently choose, to silently lose
cuz i just cannot cope holding on to this hope
while it's all just pretend; i can't be your friend.
cuz i lie when i smile.. and i'll always stay awhile
entertain my own fancy.. while it's not what they all see
cowardly hidden back away.. without a single word to say
i speak in rhyme to pass the time
and coast along the lines of every song
with nothing left to say... this clearly ain't the way.
we choose what we do.. we choose not to lose
we silently stumble so we don't have to tumble
we silently lose.. even though we don't choose
to choose at this cost... over all that we've lost.
a silence i chose. a silence through prose
a silently choice of what i just cannot voice
with so silent words in lines and in verse
to choose that i turn. just so that i don't burn
find another clear way, one on which i will stay
a permanent solution, to a crippling diversion
i choose what's new. that's far from you.
i choose to walk... instead of talk
i choose in silence... wanting off this fence
of illusions that i make... with such havoc i create.
too much here to lose. this is all left to choose.
a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a silence we choose. as we silently lose.

[ ~ g.b ]