my messy mess.

Healing is messy

It's sloppy

It's out of the lines kinda madness

It's really high

And then super low

With piles upon piles of stress

It's knowing deeply

Then feeling doubt

That kind that makes you lose your footing

It's grief that kills

And suffocates you

While you're between deep breaths and sobbing

Healing is exhausting

With endless layers

That you peel back so reluctantly

It's the alchemy

Of what is you

The you that's deeply, wholly, truly

The one you hid

And never showed

In fears of simply never being

Part of this

Or even that

And maybe now you're finally seeing

Just how much pain

You'll never gain

If you continue to deceive you

I want the rawness

I want it all

I want what is deep, divine and true

It's hard to be

In such a sea

Of inauthentic smiles and gestures

Best to retreat

And be discreet

And then stay away from these false lures

The reality is... I don't trust what I feel anymore.  The truth is bitter on my lips.

I've always been one to have my head in the clouds. Believing is madness.  

And "happy endings are only in the movies, max"

Best to be practical

 Steadfast. 

Forward moving. With my plans.

Forget the rest. The best and messed.

I'm done with painting pictures of things that don't exist.

I'm done with creating larger than life roles for protagonists who can't even pass for a shitty b class actor. 

Healing can be messy..

It can make you see the truth

Of every single thing around you that you've never seen before. 

But the truth will set you free

Of your guilded rusted cage

That kept you bound in dreams forever & now you finally can escape. 

giusi 🖤 dec.10.2019