never mine.

never was. never once. never even for a day.
not today. and nor tomorrow. not even yesterday.
it wasn't here. it never was. it's just not anywhere at all.
and you are there. inside her lair. at her every single beck and call.

why do i care? why do i sneer? why do i even bother much?
to think at all.. to ponder on these silly things and such and such
i wish to God that you were gone. and far away, i wish you well..
cuz for unknown reasons and unfair plans, i'm under your dark & twisted spell.

it's better when you're gone from here. and better when i'm on my own
it's just much saner away from you.. cuz it seems i've got myself on loan
i hate this feeling of no control. consuming every single ounce of me
cuz it's all just being wasted.................. and still it's only you i see.



:(

Time Trial.

my head is spinning and spinning out of control
i crumble and nosedive right onto the floor
my breath is gone.. through my mind my thoughts pour
and i'm sitting here contemplating getting back into war

am i sick? am i twisted? am i losing my mind?
do i want it? do i miss it? is there no one else to find?
can't forget it. cannot close it. you're a part of my design
and it seems to me i've never really ever been quite fine.

still i wonder and i question every reason, how's and why's
it's been so very long since i have finally learned not to cry
with choices made. the deal is done. stamped and shut. we've said goodbye.
.... but this, but that, but what if's too.. and maybe just one more try..

it's lunacy.. insanity.. pure rash thoughts running wild
but there's never going to be someone who'll ever make me smile
just the same way, just the right way.. i've just hid behind denial
and i think i might .. by some sheer chance.. rethink this for a while.

call me crazy. call me stupid. call me hopeless and deranged...
but there's only just that one. and maybe things have changed.
i'm just thinking. i'm just wonderin'.. and i'm just being kinda lame.
cuz maybe nuthin's different and it'll all just be the same.

but it's always there. and holding tight. there's nothing that will make it move
and try as you might. push and shove all you'd like.. i have nothing left to prove
but time has passed. it's been a while. and i just only want the truth...
and pages turn.. and slates are cleared... I think I know what i should do.

I've come to some conclusions.....

i'm happy i can breathe again. i'm happy that it's sane again.
i'm happy that it's not all twisted and knotted in the pit of my stomach anymore.
i'm so relieved it's finally gone.. and so serene with things blown over
i never thought it'd happen soon.. i never thought it'd happen ever...

loss of control over mind and feelings.. that's all come back so suddenly
and any drawbacks and unsettled stories... can finally move back to end of the drawers.
cuz i was standing alone here with shakey limbs.. teetering and tottering
to confusion, misgivings.. reading into signs.. and seeing into absolutely nothing at all....

i see something good. i see something great. i see something so immensely full of life.
but i see something wounded. i see something lost. and i see something never giving up the fight..
it's kinda sad.. it's kinda tragic. i see a lot more than maybe i should be seeing.
but it's not my place to say. it's not my place to question. it's not my place to stir and make a big commotion.

i have the reins back again. i'm feeling ok. and i'm feeling better.
i'm happy stable grounds are beneath my feet once again..
i'm feeling good about the days to come. about tomorrow's great big plan.
and now i'm feeling all ok about it. don't think it could be any other way..
and that's ok.
and that's ok.
and that's alright with me.
I think it's the only way to be.
I think it's the only way, you see.

i'm stuck on this page...

temporarily side-tracked.
blinded and clouded minded.
inside out and upside down.
and all over and under the place.

no control over any of it
no chance of escape.
can't make a run for it.
can't see the other side.
and it's happening still
repeating. it stops. and it starts all again.

i'm blinded. i'm binded. losing all sight of things.
not fair. i'm angry. annoyed. it's making me sick.
imagination running wild.
and it's happening too much.
it's taking over too much.
it's just way too much.

not sure what to do.
it's your fault. it's mine. it's nobody's at all.
just repeating. and stopping. and starting over again.

can't get it out. can't take it off.
my mind's just a moving reel
cycling maybes and what if's
and it's getting old fast...
and it's getting cold fast.

i'm drowning in dreams
that you'll never know of
i'm grasping at chances
that never were mine
i'm hoping for one day
and hoping in time
and waiting for nothing
and waiting for something
and waiting and waiting.
silent mouthed. lips are sealed.

one more time on repeat...
not quite ready to stop...
start this over again...
and again...
and again...

Disconnected.

untied. unglued. pull apart and turn it loose

step away from it for now.

take a breather.. take a break

take some time to think it over

or not think at all

or just sit still

and walk away

for just a moment. just a day. or maybe more

and just forget. or turn away

it only soaks too much up anyways

change the scenery

change the lights. change the way you think about

different route. different plans.

none of them with you in mind

knowing better. seeing clearer.

steps away and miles apart

too close for comfort. too far from here.

it's something i just have to do.

i need some time.

i needed more.

i wanted more.

and it's not here.

so, flick the switch

and turn it off....

it's finally time to disconnect.

If you marry me.. would you bury me.

you leave me here
in such a state
of disaster... where i'm left
to pick up the broken pieces
where i try... and try..
but i just cry and cry...

cuz i can't seem to play the game right
and i'm always right back at the start
but nuthin ever changes...
the evil lies within
and it hangs low
and hides beneath
the layers of artificial sweetner

and i try and i try..
but i still cry..
oh how i cry...

i push myself
ahead of me..
to find a way to you
to find a place
to dream away
for happiness
to become real
to become whole
to become fused together
when that exists
then it can be good.

but it's not..
and i try..
and i try...
i still cry, and i'll cry...

you leave me here
under yer darkness
of fallen shadows
left to wilt
left to rot
left to wallow in yer decay
left alone.
left alone.

you make me die.
you make me cry.
you make me try..
i try so hard..
you make me cry.. and cry and cry...
you make me cry and cry and cry..
you make me cry and cry and cry..
but i still try.. oh, how i try.
and i'll always try..
even though i'll always cry...
til our last goodbye.
goodbye... goodbye..
and i still cry...

Return of the Knights.

where have all the knights gone..?
where did they go to?
they seem to have disappeared
and i haven't got a single clue
as to when they will return
or if they even will
must i stay and wait here
at the top of this high hill?
for chivalry and manners
that don't exist no more,
for bravery and loyalties
and love right through the core.
Is it all gone.. is it all dead?
Cuz i can't seem to find any
on this lonely road i tread.
The knights have all gone
and aren't coming back.
Or maybe they've just wandered off
and somehow gotten off track
But i guess i'll just be patient
and wait until the day
that the knights will all come back
and clear away all this decay.