Heart Rumbles.

still got it. it's here. i feel it right now.
and i'm not even quite that sure how
to tell you, or show you. i'm not good at this
but even through downtimes, you still bring me bliss

i melt. and i glow. and i gush over you
and no matter whatever, i've always been true
to nobody else. not really the same
cuz there's always been good despite of the rain.

you've got me. you've had me for always you see
it's all in your hands just how great this could be
don't question my doubts and my hesitations
cuz i'm only just clearing out waste and frustrations

but please don't forget at the end of the day
that i'd really prefer that it's you who will stay
the beat still sounds loudly, rock steady and sound
still my heart rumbles sweet and so very profound.

<3

Apologies in advance..

mi perdoni
i'm sorry
but i didn't mean to
it's not a choice
that's easy for me
not guilty, yet so guilt-stricken am i
for something that i haven't done
but i can't say that i will not
when it's not for me to choose
and i'm torn between the two
it's not fair, and i despair
over feelings left unsaid
and i'm always playing dead
in fear of grounds i will not tread
but yet it's always in my head
i can't be free
not now.. not here.
and yet i try to make it better
a start again and things anew
we'll patch it up with just some glue

i want it to be..
i want it to be.
i wish it to be.
but still it won't be.

like drug clouded hazes
i'm walking through mazes
and desperately hoping
it leads me to you.

so please help me God
clear my mind from this drug
what's safer. what's saner.
make it better in time.

but i'm sorry for now
and i'm sorry for later
there's no way to fortell what will come
but i need to be true to myself this time around..
and just know that i've always loved you.

What shall it be my love?

why i gotta be that way

always in dismay

sensitively and distasteful

distrust. mistrust. uncertainty.

you laid it here.

you built this house.

and now it's all around me now.

can't shake this feeling

why are we dealing

it's never quite the same you know

it pulls me left

and sometimes right

and rarely in the middle

i can't see on the other side

and it's making me feel sick

sick at heart

sick in mind

though i don't mind..

no, not right now

and maybe later

i'll change my mind.

but what's the gameplan?

cuz i don't know

whether i'll stay

or if i'll go.

and if it's meant for someone else

and another time

that isn't now.

but i can't decide

and you make it harder

for me to choose

when you chase wild cards

leaving me behind

cuz that's what it is

when the light grows dim

should i owe you more?

cuz i don't think so.

and i won't quite show

never giving in

and this isn't stuck

like glue. or cement.

it's unstapled and it's loose

cuz that's just how you choose

and i will not lose.

but you never show me

permanence and something real

i need a figure

of strong proportions

standing strong and stable

against all odds..

isn't that what they say?

is that how it goes?

and yet i have no real ideas

or any answer

so we play this waiting game

and it's sweet

and it's love

and it's so much fun sometimes

and it's not anchored to the floor

and now i'm left drifting off once more.

so please be quick

please be soon.

i'm growing tired of this fix

and choose a way

be it here or there.

and stick to it

don't stray from it

cuz i'm losing grasp

can't seem to catch

my breath from all this hazy mess

and i fear i just might fall right off

and lose you from that heightened spot

for good, forever more

and wiped out right inside the core...

but i'm just thinking loudly

a girl with silly feelings

but i always play forkeeps..

and now it's time for sleep.

Depth of a feeling.

deeper than i think, making my heart sink

tugging my heart's strings, shouldn't think these things

way too close to me, and the only thing i see

try too hard to push away, though i want so bad to stay

not for me.. not at all, still i always seem to fall

wish you'd say it, or maybe you could quit

genuine or evil ploys, you never know with certain boys

if only i were much more wise, then i'd know to cast you aside

still i ponder every night, still i seem to hold on tight

onto nothing never there, just a glance .. a touch.. a stare

you leave me hanging dry, foolish me who's left to cry

i don't know what i see, i wish to God to be set free

of what seems to bind, and what i cannot find

which i seem to search in you, for something sound and true

not sure what it is, but you seem to have it kid

and you've taken me by storm, and now i'm worse than before

and silly me for being here, but silly you for staying near

i know you know the half if it, cuz i told you like a drunken twit

stumbling in my own mistakes, i just have so much at stake

but it's too much to handle, and you're too much of a gamble

when i know it's not the same, when i feel it's just your game

stuck in the same place, running always the same race

and it's still you, and i'm still blue

crazy to try, left here to sigh

but it's deeper you see, now it's too late for me.

a vision of ambition.

trapped between reasons
and caught within seasons
i'm losing my grasp on all things with your treasons

on choosing my roles
and on keeping with goals
i just keep moving forward and filling in holes

but it's not even here
not even next year
there's so much to decide and even way more to fear

many paths left to choose
though i don't want to lose
and i'm trying much harder not to fall, not to bruise

but a better plan up ahead
are we better off dead?
cuz i'm not even sure if those grounds i will tread

all i know is one thing
and of what i shall sing
maybe titles aren't so valuable, maybe they won't mean a thing.

i want it all
i seem to stall
and always crashing into some kind of wall..

but it's my decision
my one life mission
and somehow it's always in revision.

and maybe now
it all seems sound
you've got me tightly held and bound

by sheer free will
my dearest will....
my one and only lifelong thrill

i want a life
just as a wife
my composition seems finally right.

a slave to tradition
i choose no ambition
because i've found in the end that it's just not my vision.

never mine.

never was. never once. never even for a day.
not today. and nor tomorrow. not even yesterday.
it wasn't here. it never was. it's just not anywhere at all.
and you are there. inside her lair. at her every single beck and call.

why do i care? why do i sneer? why do i even bother much?
to think at all.. to ponder on these silly things and such and such
i wish to God that you were gone. and far away, i wish you well..
cuz for unknown reasons and unfair plans, i'm under your dark & twisted spell.

it's better when you're gone from here. and better when i'm on my own
it's just much saner away from you.. cuz it seems i've got myself on loan
i hate this feeling of no control. consuming every single ounce of me
cuz it's all just being wasted.................. and still it's only you i see.



:(

Time Trial.

my head is spinning and spinning out of control
i crumble and nosedive right onto the floor
my breath is gone.. through my mind my thoughts pour
and i'm sitting here contemplating getting back into war

am i sick? am i twisted? am i losing my mind?
do i want it? do i miss it? is there no one else to find?
can't forget it. cannot close it. you're a part of my design
and it seems to me i've never really ever been quite fine.

still i wonder and i question every reason, how's and why's
it's been so very long since i have finally learned not to cry
with choices made. the deal is done. stamped and shut. we've said goodbye.
.... but this, but that, but what if's too.. and maybe just one more try..

it's lunacy.. insanity.. pure rash thoughts running wild
but there's never going to be someone who'll ever make me smile
just the same way, just the right way.. i've just hid behind denial
and i think i might .. by some sheer chance.. rethink this for a while.

call me crazy. call me stupid. call me hopeless and deranged...
but there's only just that one. and maybe things have changed.
i'm just thinking. i'm just wonderin'.. and i'm just being kinda lame.
cuz maybe nuthin's different and it'll all just be the same.

but it's always there. and holding tight. there's nothing that will make it move
and try as you might. push and shove all you'd like.. i have nothing left to prove
but time has passed. it's been a while. and i just only want the truth...
and pages turn.. and slates are cleared... I think I know what i should do.