occupy my time

It occupies my time.. 

and often occupies my mind

As it leaves a sudden image 

and smile and soft sigh

And I cannot dare deny

That this is insignificant & small

But oh how I do with open arms

welcome this slow and steady fall

distraction .. or  infraction

Upon my weary heart

Is something I don't care to know

with each and every false start

so, take over all of my senses

And change my mind or tune

cuz thinking saucy thoughts of you

Is all I want to do.  

- G.🖤

Ever was.

It was just you.

I knew you.

bright star

she grabs the rays of suns and sonnets
and glistens with pearls and diamonds
she sings a choir song so sweetly
she flies the night skies alongside ravens

she knows all darkness that exists
she's been there many times before
and brings  light most radiant
with mighty wings she soars

enchantress is a token word
but one that gives no justice
to a soul that burns the brightest
made up of divine bliss

but she's quick to fade away from you
at just the slightest hint
of dull and false activities
and leaves her heart imprint

with tender lips of yours to kiss
i never want to miss
a moment wasted well with you
such timely divine kiss

your touch upon my fingertips
so gentle each caress
makes shivers run right up my spine
as i press against your chest

there is no other match for me
or any counterpart
who's exquisite being excites me so
and captivates my heart

yet calm and steady rhythm plays
with each and every beat
whenever i am by your side
we generate such heat

of worldly magic set ablaze
the more we linger here
and i feel that time of destiny
is growing oh so near

so, think of me so sweetly
in every single dream
as we lay on stardust highways
and dance upon moon beams

and know that i am with you dear
no matter what the scene
for you and i are only one
with nothing in between




~g.  [ jan.5.2019 ---  letter to my beloved ]

my messy mess.

Healing is messy

It's sloppy

It's out of the lines kinda madness

It's really high

And then super low

With piles upon piles of stress

It's knowing deeply

Then feeling doubt

That kind that makes you lose your footing

It's grief that kills

And suffocates you

While you're between deep breaths and sobbing

Healing is exhausting

With endless layers

That you peel back so reluctantly

It's the alchemy

Of what is you

The you that's deeply, wholly, truly

The one you hid

And never showed

In fears of simply never being

Part of this

Or even that

And maybe now you're finally seeing

Just how much pain

You'll never gain

If you continue to deceive you

I want the rawness

I want it all

I want what is deep, divine and true

It's hard to be

In such a sea

Of inauthentic smiles and gestures

Best to retreat

And be discreet

And then stay away from these false lures

The reality is... I don't trust what I feel anymore.  The truth is bitter on my lips.

I've always been one to have my head in the clouds. Believing is madness.  

And "happy endings are only in the movies, max"

Best to be practical

 Steadfast. 

Forward moving. With my plans.

Forget the rest. The best and messed.

I'm done with painting pictures of things that don't exist.

I'm done with creating larger than life roles for protagonists who can't even pass for a shitty b class actor. 

Healing can be messy..

It can make you see the truth

Of every single thing around you that you've never seen before. 

But the truth will set you free

Of your guilded rusted cage

That kept you bound in dreams forever & now you finally can escape. 

giusi 🖤 dec.10.2019

Lessons Learned

What is the lesson here to learn..?

What kind of lesson makes you burn

In a fire so hungry that it consumes all

And yet have nothing to break your fall

What kind of lesson will make you see?

That there's no such thing as 'meant to be'

When you're thrown in pits of deep despair

And left to die within, while you gasp for air

What kind of lesson would make you cry?

While you're left to ponder the reason why

That the heavens above seem to show to you 

many things that are false, many things so untrue

What kind of lesson would bring such pain?

Leave you wondering if you have gone insane

Seeing signs and synchronicity in every which way

While your edges and sanity start to fray

What kind of lesson would disappoint so?

And in typical fashion, deliver a blow

So hard and so poignant, direct to your gut

you collapse to the ground & left wondering what..

the lessons that seem to be coming your way

To show you how wrong you have been every day

Cuz it never is how you have seemed to believe

And the angels and guides only seem to deceive

So, take all your lessons away from me now

I don't even know the who and the how

Of what I did think and feel deep in my soul

And the agony has by now taken its toll

So, finality comes to a close now at last

And complete is the lesson of the future & past

I have learned not to ever believe, not to trust

And that magic is nothing but a mere handful of dust... 

Fin.

-giusi.dec.1.2019

afraid to let you in.

a vulnerability like no other
susceptibility to this pain..
i lead a life far from others..
i tend to like it most that way
far in between the way you move me
i cannot shake this hold it has
of me and to the deepest core
and seems to last eternally
i know you well.. more than the others
i seem to have been here once before
a familiarity that lingers deeply
i know not what it means at all
for in the past that brings me closer
and draws me deeper down this hole
of what entwines us both together
from somewhere far and long ago
it scares me so to let you in
it frightens me most violently
the burn of fire quite this bright
must leave a mark if left unchecked
how do you tend to such a flame?
that shows you all your darkest parts?
yet tenderly warms up the spots
that have been hidden since the start
it beckons me with such a hunger
but still i turn away so swift
geography is no match at all
for this thread the binds two souls as such
but today i see it differently
so tired and so worn..
as i bring my white flag upwardly
it's time to stop this war..
a war within my very heart
that's kept me far away
from all the joys that long for me
and have lead me so astray
i raise my hands most definitely
towards the sky above
and i know i lay it on the line
to show myself right now......

but i need to be clear
and i need to be quick
and I need to say all that has come to the top
this is all about me
and all the things that i see
when i'm faced with all reality
is it wrong to believe
that we all have reprieve
if only for one quick short moment?
this space here is mine
i made it this way
so sacred , so quiet and free
i fought far too long
in battles before
to risk making this all go away
it's scary, you see
and you've never been one
to have all your cards out on the table
and it's shady, you see
to trust less than i see
when there's never assurance before me
but to know what i feel
is to know what is real
and i cannot deny it no longer
and it hurts when i breathe
how you run away, dear
but the road is a long one before us
so, i write all of this
to unload my burden
that falls heavy upon my bare chest
but you know all the rest
it's been said quite a bit
and i know that eternity's near

so, i propose one last thing
that you'll come to my end
and decide what it is that you feel
and perhaps you will see
that this road you will join
if you make it your mission to heal
i know you are strong
you're one of a kind
your passion and brightness astounds me
even though you don't know
and feel so quite inept..
you're the king of it all.. now just claim it.
or lie once again
and retreat to your caves
and you'll never know richness and greatness
of this kind that brings warmth
to the soul that's within
and a flame that heats hotter with passion
but the fear locks us in
never know or reveal
it's too scary to see how it fails us
not to take any chances
and leave before dancing
it's much safer and better this way..


it's much safer and better
and i know that i'm betting
too much if i just took a chance
cuz the fear is too real
and it takes over me
than to trust that it's a true romance......


{g.b.  03.18.2019}

capacity to love.

feel me here.   with your hands.  soft and close.  gentle and calm. calm and warm... soft and sweet.
it isn't something to ignore.  it isn't something you can hide from anymore.
it isn't something you can stall any longer.   it isn't something to deny. it isn't something to pass over.
it is you. it is me. it is was always you .. inside of you.   and inside of me. 
and it's growing so rapidly.. you cannot exhale. and you do not understand.
but that's okay.  you don't have to. not yet.  you're not there yet.
you will be soon.  but i can guide you. for i am you. you are me.
and it's here. and it's everywhere.  and it electrifies your skin.  and it makes no sense to you.
and you're scared. and that's okay. i know.
but it's okay.   just find you. inside you.    find you.  love you.  love you deeply. 
nothing else matters. except that love.  and the capacity of love you have to feel for yourself is so profound.    find it.  open it up. feel it. live it.  know it.  hold it. it's you. it's all.
the time is now.
you can no longer avoid this.   they won't let you. 
and you know this now. 
you must deal with your inner self...  calm the noise, ease the pain
understand only this.   that there is no use fighting  or resisting.
for it is in the path of least resistance that we truly glide through life on this energetic wave of euphoria and love.       
love. so much love.
give in. fully. completely.
it is you. 
step into you.
step into your power.
and your capacity to love.
if you only knew who you were and the crown you wear..
how bold and brilliant you are.
how heroic, strong, unwavering, compassionate and moving you are.
learn it. see it. feel it.
it is you.
it always was.
find it. find it now.
i'll be here.    .xo.


[ open letter to my mirror ]

You are nothing to me. (x infinity)

Erase all the thoughts, all the things, all that went on.
Erase all of them, clear the slate, now it's all gone.

Your lies, and your games, and your ruse that you play on,
Erased, from my mind, from my soul, from my heart drum.

That beats ever long, ever strong with my passion.
That sounds ever loud, such sweet song and attraction

That you'll never hold, never see, never witness
Nevermore, not again, on your life, you won't have this.

I have cleared all of you from my mind, you're deleted.
All because you have played with my heart and depleted

All of that which was good, which was bright, you made dimmer.
Now you'll no longer live in the light of my glimmer.

There are no memories of you I keep inside of me
Because there was no truth to you as far as i can see

So, be gone and gone for so so long, be gone for good this time
Because i'm over all this toxic waste and i'm running out of rhyme

I chose myself and let it run, away from what was wrong
I chose to be the chosen one, and sing my own true song.

So, erase.. erase.. each tiny little fragment of my memory
I want it gone, each bit of it, So that I will no longer see

A thought, an image .. a feeling, that may still linger on
I made it so it's gone, you see.. it was always just a con.

You matter not, no more, my friend, You matter not at all.
All feelings that were good and true, are now replaced or null.

Just apathy and most disgust for all you truly were,
To think i tried to help you once. a love that was so pure.

But every little bit of that is gone forever now.
I chose myself, this is the end, and now let's take a bow.

For you will never have me, or any part of me, you see..
Cuz for now and all eternity,  you will always just be nothing to me.

x infinity.

the mask removed.

empty. vacant. hollow.  stark.  barren. dry.  & dark. & bleak
these are just the words i see when i think about what's left of  me

so cunning,, oh your lies.. oh your lies.
i'm shattered and i'm broken
and what this has done to me.. has changed me into something new.
into something that i do not even recognize anymore
into something that I do not know
into something that i'm scared of
a fortress of the strongest steel, has now been set around me here.

i recoil at the slightest touch...  i recoil at the thought of you
how demons walk upon this earth, i do not know how these things occur
i've lost my rhyme.. and every reason.
i've lost each part of every season.
i've lost the me that i once knew
it's gone and lost and now i'm screwed.
this pain and agony  i'm living in... just holds me tightly in its grip

and no one sees the light gone out. no one sees how dim its been
no one understands the kind of torture i have seen.
no one gets it quite, you see.
i live this nightmare every day.
of knowing not who or what i am. of what transpired.

the how's .. the why's.. the every part of in between
the mistakes of  magic that leaves you entrapped..
that kills your joy and belief in every possible way.

i hope you are happy with what you have done. I hope this brings you so much joy.
the way in which you have destroyed my soul. the every ounce of me that died and went to hell...
for every day and minute that i spent with you.

my back is turned on you.
no. you don't deserve to have me here
or there.
or anywhere near.

i have nothing left inside.  you took it all. you stole it all.
you ripped it out from inside of me.
you watched me bleed.. you bled me dry.
you did this all to me. you did this all to me!
you watched me die. and you did nothing.
you turned away from my pain.  my sorrow.
my devastation.


how vile can one be? so soulless..
so mean.

so destructive.

so ... you.


you see.. i have walked.., i stumbled.  i crawled upon this garden path
that you have led me on.. right from the very weary start.
this game. this farce. this lie.
just to fill your empty cup with me
just to fill your empty soul with glee..
just to take all of  which you can.
just to siphon me of every ounce of light.. every bit of  bright  that i can muster.
and now.. this is all i have.
all i have are these.
which aren't really anything.
so, you did it. you did this. to me. all of it.  i hope you're proud.  i hope it's what you wanted.
to leave me here so dead and gone.  with only vowels and some consonants.
that sound a bit monotone.. and bleed to nothing once they leave your lips..
just shallow simple tiny words.  that i have left inside my hands
like empty. vacant. hollow.  stark.  barren. dry.  & dark. & bleak
are what's remained and left of me..............................................

Run Dry

uninspired by your lack of indication
vindication?
senseless actions
of not partaking
always faking
like the rest
like the best..


uninspired by the shallow that surrounds me
of your allusions
to illusions
mean nothing more
than they did before
of stupid.. it's proven
hypocrisy, that's a given


uninspired by the doubt that plagues me
was that a bird?
some common word?
some fluttered wings
i saw those things.
or did i dream?
is what it seems


uninspired by all these choices made so wrong
why can't they see?
who they will be
it's plain as day
yet we all stay
and play the game
that's so the same

uninspired by your hidden truth that lies
because i know
what i do know
and what i hold
is so much more
than any thing
that you may bring
and uninspire me every day with so much there that's gone away
and take it back.. and take it far.
i want a vibrance that rings clear. i want it now to be more real.
and not a stupid feeling or thought or indication
and not your backwards stories of lying actions that you've mastered
over and over to make your own way.
take and put it where you want it to stay.
but take it far away from here.

uninspired i am today.
uninspired in every single way.

[G.B] - Mar.01.2010

Allusions of Delusions

Tell me something softly, tell me something true
Tell me all that ever was, was never really you
Show me how I thought of this, tell me what I saw
And how I've always somehow heard & felt this constant call

Tell me that I made it up, prove to me it's wrong
And every time I've felt this was.. was only cuz of song
But tell me I imagined it & tell me how it's gone
And never was, and never will be, no matter how I long

And tell me it's just in my head, say how it's not there
Tell me how it's not to be & tell me that you swear
Show me how I've been so blind in seeing what's not there
Just tell me how you never had the smallest ounce of care

Tell me that it's all made up, just please just tell me that
And tell me I'm delusional, then tell me that's a fact
For I can stay no longer, it's just too hard to ignore
So tell me this, so I can go & shut this heavy door.

[ G.B ] - Sept.13. 2010

a state of confusion

confused by all that's tossed around
that leaves its scent & taste & sound
to lower u down onto the ground
confusion now has left me crowned

upon this throne of desperate pleas
that brings me down onto my knees
without a clue or clarity
and left amidst these wicked dreams

confused by lack of resolution
that only leads to more confusion
confused by your obscene intrusion
& confused mostly by my delusion....


[G.B]

A Silent Ending

a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a way without words. not shared and not heard.
a vacancy here. so far and so near.
a way to disclose. confessions not told.
repented and sent it. too late. let's forget it.
a sorrow so deep. of what i can't keep.
nor claim as my own. can't be overthrown.
with lips that are sealed. who knows what is real.
it's tragic. this magic won't get past this static.
the ties that bind. your eyes that are blind.
with no way of telling. and my thoughts so compelling
i must turn away with too much dismay
for it's larger than me... and it's all i can see
crashing down like wave. but i gave.. what i gave
never answered. never seen. never shared. no in betweens.
not a moment. never there.. upon your empty vacant stare
the obvious thrown out. as all rides on doubt
untrust of the past makes it all fail to last
but i can't. so i rant.
and i write while i fight
my own demons of what i'm seeing
and i lose... when i choose
anything other to keep me from bother
of holding on tight to this one single light.
that glows brighter still......though it isn't my will.
but to choose is old news
still the same shambled game.

a silence so true. a silence so blue.
a quiet that takes what it takes and that breaks
of not knowing and nor showing
when i sent it well, i meant it
with nothing changed and nothing gained
it weighs a load this tangled road
of nothing there. of this that's bare.
as daydreams grow stale.. and this light it does fail.
when nothing is nothing. and something was always nothing.
it's a waste.. let's make haste
while i turn away here.. and i must now adhere
cuz it's bigger than me... and it's still all i see.
like a fool indeed. dunno how i believed
all this madness... from your sadness
stitch it up nice and tight... seal the doors, then turn right
go on through. don't look back... find a way right off this track.
a lie's still a lie though it's told oh so sly...
and i was tricked by my mind so thick
delusion over reason. imagine it with feeling.
wrap it and adorn it. paint it up and then hang it
but seeing is believing.. and i just ain't seeing.
what one thinks they do see. and you can't disagree.
but i'm lit and i'm on, with my mind overthrown
and it rambles on and on... with hopes and wishes that i'm wrong.
though it's not. i can see... some things just aren't meant to be.
and i'm not strong.. to stay along..
to ride this car along my star.
no, i'm not that tough.. and it's just not enough
decisions are made. to rest it's been laid

to silently choose, to silently lose
cuz i just cannot cope holding on to this hope
while it's all just pretend; i can't be your friend.
cuz i lie when i smile.. and i'll always stay awhile
entertain my own fancy.. while it's not what they all see
cowardly hidden back away.. without a single word to say
i speak in rhyme to pass the time
and coast along the lines of every song
with nothing left to say... this clearly ain't the way.
we choose what we do.. we choose not to lose
we silently stumble so we don't have to tumble
we silently lose.. even though we don't choose
to choose at this cost... over all that we've lost.
a silence i chose. a silence through prose
a silently choice of what i just cannot voice
with so silent words in lines and in verse
to choose that i turn. just so that i don't burn
find another clear way, one on which i will stay
a permanent solution, to a crippling diversion
i choose what's new. that's far from you.
i choose to walk... instead of talk
i choose in silence... wanting off this fence
of illusions that i make... with such havoc i create.
too much here to lose. this is all left to choose.
a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a silence we choose. as we silently lose.

[ ~ g.b ]

Fickle False Reality

fickle, fiendish, unfriendly foe
is neither here nor where i go
of much to fake and falsify
and all's just lies and lies and lies
of climbing ropes to reach the top
just trip them up and do not stop
it's not the means and nor my end
to join this league , translucent trend
where depth and substance matter most
seems like it's lost, become a ghost
when all in all we're all the same?
though never was i in this game
of which i cannot comprehend
where all the faces just pretend
and smile, just smile on my friend
so long as it gets you ahead
of kissing here and there to move
and rubbing elbows just to prove
your name in lights is sumpin special
and that cheer just sends you in a lull
of vacant, numb and empty souls
that sleep with sheep, and run with bulls
it's neither i, nor never was
the way i'd want, not just because
it's more, it's far much more for sure
though all get caught into its lure
i cannot follow all so blindly
and get behind that wheel behind me
cuz it's fickle, false reality
it's neither never nor will be
it's not the way i choose to see
so all that's left, is only me.

[ ~G.B ]

Starting to Separate

it's starting to break
it's starting to take
it's finally starting
to separate
i'm not trying to fake
or trying to wake
with this dreadful feel
that i've learned to hate
and no matter how late
that i change up this fate
and these lessons i learn
from mistakes i will make
but it's started to break
and i know it will take
cuz it's now finally
started to separate.

[ ~G.B ]

I can't find the words...

i feel like writing..
but i have no thoughts
i feel like saying
but it won't come out
i feel like telling
but it's not my turn
when i've done my part
and it all seems lost

i feel like changing
but it's not time yet
i feel like waking
up from this foul mess
i feel like choosing
but i'm only losing
to these constant mazes
that surround my phases

i feel like reaching
out towards what's there
i feel like holding
on to what's not there
i feel like grasping
but i'm only latching
onto false remainders
of these bitter endings

i feel like breaking
from this tired page
i feel like stepping
off onto this ledge
i feel like yelling
far too much right now
but i can't make a sound
when you're not around...

[ ~ G.B ]

- july 19th, 2009.

Of Stone and Sleep and Fabled Tales...

sleepless nights
with flurried dreams
take up more time
than it seems

bound to this
so tightly i'm wound
without a chance
to turn it around

cannot escape
it's bigger than me
and even at times
it is all i can see

so, i cast all aside
and drift off alone
cuz it's all i can do
with this heart turned to stone...

[ ~G.B ]

Goodnight.

when darkness falls
upon these sheets
and all that lays
here by my feet
when i'm broken down
and lost, i'm beat
when all that's left
is such defeat

cuz it's hard to see
through clouded air
when you cannot see
what's really there
and though i'll claim
how all's unfair
i wish i'd be
without a care

cuz mostly now
i'm just right here
and always will be
very near
and always will i
shed a tear
when thinking 'bout
what brought me here.

and sleep it comes
when it will come
and now this day
is far from done
and we're walking tall
this to and from
and it's easier
for sure, for some..


goodnight. goodnight.
from tired restless minds
and souls alike.
with sleep and dreams upon my head
i wish thee now
goodnight.
goodnight.