i sip on dreams and choke on real things

Run Dry

2011-03-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

uninspired by your lack of indication
vindication?
senseless actions
of not partaking
always faking
like the rest
like the best..

uninspired by the shallow that surrounds me
of your allusions
to illusions
mean nothing more
than they did before
of stupid.. it's proven
hypocrisy, that's a given

uninspired by the doubt that plagues me
was that a bird?
some common word?
some fluttered wings
i saw those things.
or did i dream?
is what it seems

uninspired by all these choices made so wrong
why can't they see?
who they will be
it's plain as day
yet we all stay
and play the game
that's so the same

uninspired by your hidden truth that lies
because i know
what i do know
and what i hold
is so much more
than any thing
that you may bring
and uninspire me every day with so much there that's gone away
and take it back.. and take it far.
i want a vibrance that rings clear. i want it now to be more real.
and not a stupid feeling or thought or indication
and not your backwards stories of lying actions that you've mastered
over and over to make your own way.
take and put it where you want it to stay.
but take it far away from here.

uninspired i am today.
uninspired in every single way.

[G.B] - Mar.01.2010

Allusions of Delusions

2011-03-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

Tell me something softly, tell me something true
Tell me all that ever was, was never really you
Show me how I thought of this, tell me what I saw
And how I've always somehow heard & felt this constant call

Tell me that I made it up, prove to me it's wrong
And every time I've felt this was.. was only cuz of song
But tell me I imagined it & tell me how it's gone
And never was, and never will be, no matter how I long

And tell me it's just in my head, say how it's not there
Tell me how it's not to be & tell me that you swear
Show me how I've been so blind in seeing what's not there
Just tell me how you never had the smallest ounce of care

Tell me that it's all made up, just please just tell me that
And tell me I'm delusional, then tell me that's a fact
For I can stay no longer, it's just too hard to ignore
So tell me this, so I can go & shut this heavy door.

[ G.B ] - Sept.13. 2010

a state of confusion

2011-03-03T08:14:00.001-08:00

confused by all that's tossed around
that leaves its scent & taste & sound
to lower u down onto the ground
confusion now has left me crowned

upon this throne of desperate pleas
that brings me down onto my knees
without a clue or clarity
and left amidst these wicked dreams

confused by lack of resolution
that only leads to more confusion
confused by your obscene intrusion
& confused mostly by my delusion....

[G.B]

A Silent Ending

2009-12-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a way without words. not shared and not heard.
a vacancy here. so far and so near.
a way to disclose. confessions not told.
repented and sent it. too late. let's forget it.
a sorrow so deep. of what i can't keep.
nor claim as my own. can't be overthrown.
with lips that are sealed. who knows what is real.
it's tragic. this magic won't get past this static.
the ties that bind. your eyes that are blind.
with no way of telling. and my thoughts so compelling
i must turn away with too much dismay
for it's larger than me... and it's all i can see
crashing down like wave. but i gave.. what i gave
never answered. never seen. never shared. no in betweens.
not a moment. never there.. upon your empty vacant stare
the obvious thrown out. as all rides on doubt
untrust of the past makes it all fail to last
but i can't. so i rant.
and i write while i fight
my own demons of what i'm seeing
and i lose... when i choose
anything other to keep me from bother
of holding on tight to this one single light.
that glows brighter still......though it isn't my will.
but to choose is old news
still the same shambled game.

a silence so true. a silence so blue.
a quiet that takes what it takes and that breaks
of not knowing and nor showing
when i sent it well, i meant it
with nothing changed and nothing gained
it weighs a load this tangled road
of nothing there. of this that's bare.
as daydreams grow stale.. and this light it does fail.
when nothing is nothing. and something was always nothing.
it's a waste.. let's make haste
while i turn away here.. and i must now adhere
cuz it's bigger than me... and it's still all i see.
like a fool indeed. dunno how i believed
all this madness... from your sadness
stitch it up nice and tight... seal the doors, then turn right
go on through. don't look back... find a way right off this track.
a lie's still a lie though it's told oh so sly...
and i was tricked by my mind so thick
delusion over reason. imagine it with feeling.
wrap it and adorn it. paint it up and then hang it
but seeing is believing.. and i just ain't seeing.
what one thinks they do see. and you can't disagree.
but i'm lit and i'm on, with my mind overthrown
and it rambles on and on... with hopes and wishes that i'm wrong.
though it's not. i can see... some things just aren't meant to be.
and i'm not strong.. to stay along..
to ride this car along my star.
no, i'm not that tough.. and it's just not enough
decisions are made. to rest it's been laid

to silently choose, to silently lose
cuz i just cannot cope holding on to this hope
while it's all just pretend; i can't be your friend.
cuz i lie when i smile.. and i'll always stay awhile
entertain my own fancy.. while it's not what they all see
cowardly hidden back away.. without a single word to say
i speak in rhyme to pass the time
and coast along the lines of every song
with nothing left to say... this clearly ain't the way.
we choose what we do.. we choose not to lose
we silently stumble so we don't have to tumble
we silently lose.. even though we don't choose
to choose at this cost... over all that we've lost.
a silence i chose. a silence through prose
a silently choice of what i just cannot voice
with so silent words in lines and in verse
to choose that i turn. just so that i don't burn
find another clear way, one on which i will stay
a permanent solution, to a crippling diversion
i choose what's new. that's far from you.
i choose to walk... instead of talk
i choose in silence... wanting off this fence
of illusions that i make... with such havoc i create.
too much here to lose. this is all left to choose.
a silence for two. a silence untrue.
a silence we choose. as we silently lose.

[ ~ g.b ]

Fickle False Reality

2009-12-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

fickle, fiendish, unfriendly foe
is neither here nor where i go
of much to fake and falsify
and all's just lies and lies and lies
of climbing ropes to reach the top
just trip them up and do not stop
it's not the means and nor my end
to join this league , translucent trend
where depth and substance matter most
seems like it's lost, become a ghost
when all in all we're all the same?
though never was i in this game
of which i cannot comprehend
where all the faces just pretend
and smile, just smile on my friend
so long as it gets you ahead
of kissing here and there to move
and rubbing elbows just to prove
your name in lights is sumpin special
and that cheer just sends you in a lull
of vacant, numb and empty souls
that sleep with sheep, and run with bulls
it's neither i, nor never was
the way i'd want, not just because
it's more, it's far much more for sure
though all get caught into its lure
i cannot follow all so blindly
and get behind that wheel behind me
cuz it's fickle, false reality
it's neither never nor will be
it's not the way i choose to see
so all that's left, is only me.

[ ~G.B ]

Starting to Separate

2009-08-05T19:51:00.001-07:00

it's starting to break
it's starting to take
it's finally starting
to separate
i'm not trying to fake
or trying to wake
with this dreadful feel
that i've learned to hate
and no matter how late
that i change up this fate
and these lessons i learn
from mistakes i will make
but it's started to break
and i know it will take
cuz it's now finally
started to separate.

[ ~G.B ]

I can't find the words...

2009-08-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

i feel like writing..
but i have no thoughts
i feel like saying
but it won't come out
i feel like telling
but it's not my turn
when i've done my part
and it all seems lost

i feel like changing
but it's not time yet
i feel like waking
up from this foul mess
i feel like choosing
but i'm only losing
to these constant mazes
that surround my phases

i feel like reaching
out towards what's there
i feel like holding
on to what's not there
i feel like grasping
but i'm only latching
onto false remainders
of these bitter endings

i feel like breaking
from this tired page
i feel like stepping
off onto this ledge
i feel like yelling
far too much right now
but i can't make a sound
when you're not around...

[ ~ G.B ]

- july 19th, 2009.

Of Stone and Sleep and Fabled Tales...

2009-07-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

sleepless nights
with flurried dreams
take up more time
than it seems

bound to this
so tightly i'm wound
without a chance
to turn it around

cannot escape
it's bigger than me
and even at times
it is all i can see

so, i cast all aside
and drift off alone
cuz it's all i can do
with this heart turned to stone...

[ ~G.B ]

Goodnight.

2009-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

when darkness falls
upon these sheets
and all that lays
here by my feet
when i'm broken down
and lost, i'm beat
when all that's left
is such defeat

cuz it's hard to see
through clouded air
when you cannot see
what's really there
and though i'll claim
how all's unfair
i wish i'd be
without a care

cuz mostly now
i'm just right here
and always will be
very near
and always will i
shed a tear
when thinking 'bout
what brought me here.

and sleep it comes
when it will come
and now this day
is far from done
and we're walking tall
this to and from
and it's easier
for sure, for some..

goodnight. goodnight.
from tired restless minds
and souls alike.
with sleep and dreams upon my head
i wish thee now
goodnight.
goodnight.

Most Honest Clarity.

2009-06-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's funny how from time to time.. you set the glasses down
and suddenly the air, it clears and all the dust it seems to settle
and viewing things that once were cloudy, once were all just muddled
have seem to come so crisp and clear and clean of all distractions

engulfed in such a savage war for years that tired and wasted
every ounce of me.. of soul and mind and being and all that's lasted
of a tug of war, who's right? who's wrong? and endless back and forth
a battle ground that's soaked in blood. and tears from all that's happened

in battle mode, the armour's up.. and teeth and nails come out
you scream, you scratch, you wail and cry and shout your battle cry
no time for clarity and honest actions when defenses are all up
no time to near, no time to feel and witness your own fool actions

of pointing fingers left and right. of blaming all profoundly
i set the tone with lies and tales that only end things badly
of losing sight of basic things and burying all that you have mastered
and now the greatness of it all is lost within this pitiful performance

but it's time to set the daggers down.. and time to drop the shields
because it tires out your every limb and thought, to no avail...
it's time to call the troops in and it's time to raise the flag
and it's finally time to tell it all.. and finally time to sail.

i realize that there's no point in drudging up old memories
but i realize the importance of my confessions coming through to you
and i know how hard it must have been to live with such a burden
of my endless expectations of what should, and would and could have been

causing such commotion on a whim when feelings festered here
and tilted it from here to there and rocked the boat so senselessly
of leaning on your shoulder with a stubborness no one could shake
yet trying to maintain that frigidness and isolated cool and calm

when every moment of every day my world was all a-swarm with you
there's nothing, not a single thing that would've changed that any way
no matter who came in and out, they all just lingered casually...
and in denial i set myself up for nothing more than something temporary

perhaps, deep down i was so fixated on the constant war i played
that i never really cared or wanted more from other comrades
that i never really had the time to really want from something else
cuz i smothered myself involuntarily with forever fading romances

But all in all i see today the error of my most cruel ways
of the tongue that lashes out and cuts and burns and bites so viciously
of a hand that strikes so definitely.. and slams the door so loudly
it's easy to relate to how you've become indifferent to my tactics...

Yet, here i stand most honestly today in total view
to speak of my enlightenment and my new found clarity
for no other reason than to jot it down and clean away my messes
that have clogged and jammed up my insides for way too long a decade

And perhaps to even claim out loud that it wasn't only you at times
that shook and tore the seams apart and strangled these two hearts
in every dance there are two players that meet eachother part of the way
and to dance the dance along this way, it surely takes the both of us

there is no rhyme or reason here, just coming forth with buried words
that have never been known to me before and never been found or told
and i lay them here upon a slate of crumped up old faded dreams
in hopes to clear my sanity and end this long drawn comedy.

it overtakes your mind at will and takes you hostage randomly
and never do you have control of where it dares to take you, break you
It overtakes my mind, my Will and leaves me bleeding sensely....
so, time to clot the wound, once all the refuge has cleared out from it.

a weight so heavy, burdened on my shoulders for too long a time
it gently falls onto the ground and breaks off from my tired heart
my tired mind. my tired eyes. my tired feet that have walked so far
replaced now with much clarity and honesty.... it is a war i wage no longer.

[~G.B]

Hostility.

2009-05-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

hostility. insensitivity. manic state of panic.
and everything it makes me swirl and overloaded frantic
insecurity of having you. insecurity of staying true.
and keeping you is just a game i always tend to lose
pushing further. just keep out. don't come too close now
when it's my love on the line.. i send it crashing to the ground

hostility. it's nothing new. nothing new to you.
stability is something vague that never seems to follow through
and still it captures all that's been and all that's now and here
and still i see the things i do. and all i feel i fear.
swelling up, cuz pride is big.. and even bigger is this pain
when all in all it's just another thing that's lost. nothing left to gain

hostility. my one true love. the way i've always known it best
and send them running far and scattered out just like the tired rest
just like a cat. caught in a cage. and lashing out with pointed claws
withdrawing is the only way. and being warey of that dreadful pause
of in betweens and ponderings. and knowing not of what's in store..
but hostility it rescues me and fails me so.. and leaves me worse off than before.

[ ~G.B ]

an open letter to myself.

2009-05-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

what is it that you seek this time
and why is it that you hide
what are these things you say my dear
with every time you've cried

what do you want from all out there
what do you need to be
why are those reasons fading fast
and why can't you just be free

is there something you want to have
is there a place you'd rather go
why can't you make your mind up now
what do you want to know

will anything ease your tired mind
and will you ever rest
do you not see beyond the ridge
why can't you just forget

what more do you seek out there
when will you ever pause
and stop fighting for just one day
this tired and poor cause

what is it that you want my love
how can i help you out
cuz i'm tired of this cloudiness
and ways to scream and shout

what can be done to ease this pain
what can be found for you..
when will it be your day my girl
when will it all come true

[ ~G.B ]

Raising this white flag.

2009-04-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

always here, with always smiles
wanting you to stay awhile
always here and never there
always so much wear and tear
always seeing sumpin bright
always trying to win this fight
always thinking something new
always feeling all that's true

always being dragged into
but i don't mind, when it's with you
always fears and always thoughts
with every do's and all do nots.
but keeping time with this here beat
and it's always such a special treat
to always find something like this
and it's something i would never miss

cuz it's always better now and then
always knew that in the end
that tomorrow brings a brighter day
and maybe now it's here to stay
always trying to rid these things
and throwing out these broken rings
of always fading promises
of things that i will never miss

but i always knew, always i did
that i always cowered, i always hid
and always never opened much
was always simply out of touch
and it's always simply trial and error
regardless of this always terror
but i'm always hoping for the best
no longer crippled with regret

[ ~G.B ]

Stuck on a verse.

2009-04-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

what sense is this now?
of not comprehending
and how we're pretending
no use in denying that there's still something pending..

how much does it cost?
when i'm all out of money
and you're finding it funny
how we're tossing and turning around this quite plainly

can you please make it stop?
when it takes up all time
and these words that i rhyme
makes me think all in all, this is still such a crime

but i stall as a stammer..
when i'm trying to conceal
just the way that i feel
cuz i fear that it's just one more thing that's not real.

[ ~G.B ]

I found this from long ago.

2009-04-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

I wish I hadn't met you, I wish you wouldn't stay
I wish I didn't love you, I wish you'd go away
I wish it wouldn't hurt so much If I were to leave you now
I wish I wasn't quite so delicate I wish I just knew how
To turn my heart around To turn my life around
To leave you now and, To lighten the load
I fall in love so magically I am blind to all your faults
Even when you hurt me, I can't deny my feelings
I wish you weren't so selfish And would for once think of me
I wish you would just open your eyes But I know that you can't see
Just what you do to me, When you deny my feelings
When you expect me to love, You for what you do wrong.
You lie to me You tell me you'll change
I am so tired now, Of your petty little game
So change me, Change me Make me blind
Tear you heart out and then try mine
Change me, Change me Make me see
Just every little thing you do to me

(unknown)

the end of the beginning.

2009-04-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

don't believe it
will not see it
cannot see the truth in it
smoke and mirrors
fog and bright lights
i can't even try and trust it
who am i now?
watching closely
hesitate with every step
can't approve it
won't allow this
it's better off if i forget
much deception
lies and tall tales
lure and tender words at play
but i'm broken down
and falling now
and now i see with much dismay
of fancy stories
told of glory
making bubbles in my heart
but i can see that
it's much better
if we do not even start.

[ ~G.B ]

far long gone.

2009-04-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

it's hard to turn it off
it's hard to shut it down
it's hard to make it go away
and take away this frown

it's hard to change it now
it's hard to turn the wheel
it's hard to understand it now
it's hard this way i feel

it's much too strong you see
it's much too much for me
it's growing ever rapidly
and i know it isn't free

i cannot stop it now
it's far long gone you see
and it hurts me much too much
and now it's far too late for me...

[ ~G.B ]

Undone.

2009-04-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

it's like the same
for every thing
and when i reach this point
it all starts to spin
and i dive head first
to the ground in a panic
with all that surrounds me
and i'm feeling quite manic
getting high on such magic
finally reaching good feeling
but i grind to a halt
and completely start reeling
what is it that happens
when all starts to make sense
when the dust starts to settle
and when i'm not feeling so tense
what comes into play here
that turns on this switch
making me frantic, i'm anguished
driving straight into this ditch
maybe i'm scared
and maybe i'm lost
and maybe i'm not ready
to put out for the cost
of losing myself
once more over again
cuz it's maybe not worth
anything, not now and not then
who's sure of the reasons
that send me down this road
of repeating once overs
even though i've been told
let go of what's been
and move on in a line
and forget what's been done
and unravel this bind
but it's easier said
than done that's for sure
cuz it's too hard to manage
a heart that's so pure
but i'm tryin.. i'm pushin
towards forward on ahead
and it's better than quitting
staying still, playin dead
and no matter how much
that i know it's been gone
and no matter how far
and how vile, and how wrong
despite having known
that it's better this way
there's no way of escaping
it's the price that i pay
when you try to let go
and forget what's been past
it was never what's right
never would ever last
when all that's left here
isn't even what's real
they're just lingering roots
of some traumatic ordeal
when you don't know the why
or the how's of such things
of why do we grasp tightly
cutting off our own wings
and we bury ourselves
with the pain of before
staying still in one spot
never wanting much more
but it's not what i want
and nor what i choose
it's a spell i must break
cuz there's too much to lose
i'm aware of this sickness
that seems to emcompass
all that sits here within me
thrown into this abyss
yet i plan out my days
with a much brighter view
and perhaps a new vision
of me and of you
but it's hard to imagine
something real and so stable
when i've always been habit
to this game on this table
of card tricks and illusions
all this lust and mistrust
but it's all gone away
and it's all turned to rust
still, i'll plow on straight through
with desire so strong
and these days pass so quickly
but the nights are still long
of a dream yet to finish
and a day still to pass
because you were never the first
and not even the last
i'll see that this road
rolls out on to and end
and i'll pick the next turn
when i come to that bend
cuz i'm through with fixation
and this cage i'm within
and it's time to forget
all these places i've been
it's time to erase
all these pictures i see
and it's time to turn off
this dark dreary memory
and a promise of a future
better, brighter.. longer still
cuz it's obvious from now on
most of all is now downhill
from overcoming much of this
and living through the bulk of this
i see there's nothing here to hold me
and even less here that i miss
so break the mould, and erase
this book you put up on this shelf
and now it's finally time
to set me free.. release myself.

[ ~G.B. ]

this is hard.

2009-04-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

what is the truth that lays beneath me
when i'm drowning in madness that deafens the soul
when i'm gasping for air and a sense of direction
what is what's real in this world that surrounds me
when my insides collapse with a slight shift in weight
when i don't know what's down on this ground below me
when i can't see through this cloudy fog that angers me
where are all these answers and this way i should go
when i'm feeling withdrawn from this world that i know
and i'm lost with confusion of what i should choose
cuz the answers aren't easy within me, they're covered you see
i'm stumbling blindly and grabbing at roots..
that fall away easily with the littlest touch
where is that next corner that i'm destined to turn
confusion that blinds .. lights that sting.. and sounds that alarm
all is a chaos.. distorted perceptions.. that cloud up your mind
masking the way.. changing the scene.... it's all such a mess..
it pulls you towards nothing.. and pushes you into something
that makes no more sense to you than it did from before
and then after it's worse.. when the characters switch
and the storyline alters.. the settings they change
the props are all different.. but the lines all the same.
i know nothing more today.. than i did yesterday
and it's not anymore clear.. than what i've seen just last year.
and i'm frantically trying to control my pace.. in this race
but i'm falling fast backwards..and i'm losing my stride..
i just need to get there.. to where it may be
where i can see me.. and know me.. and then maybe
i can finally learn and comprehend what it means to be here.

[ ~G.B ]

I have no title for this one.

2009-04-08T08:35:00.002-07:00

There was never one time
when i ever did think
that any of it
was ever for me

not one fleeting moment
not even one stare
not mine, never will
you were just never there

so vacant and far
you never did show
it wasn't at all
never said, nothing told

never did feel it
never did know it
it's always been absent
so, i've always been clueless

i'm baffled by most
of these actions i see
cuz it makes no more sense
than the lines that i read

confused by the lack of
and absent attraction
you've now become one of
my most worst distractions

yet i push it away
and i close off all doors
There is no entrance this way
Much worse than what's before.

But i still have no answer
just this pull that grows strong
for whatever strange reason
saying it is here i belong..

[ ~G.B ]

(unfinished work)

Back to you.

2009-04-08T08:35:00.001-07:00

it always comes right back to you.
i'm not even sure when it started
and when all thoughts have gone amuck
it makes no difference that we parted

the loss of the time changes nothing
and common distractions are there
but they're never the same of it even
though they're sweet and incredibly fun

of pureness of heart and such sweetness
that longs for my soft tender touch
and wanting to choose what is bestest
seems i'm asking you for far too much..

but no matter how pretty the prospect
no matter how shiney, how new
doesn't matter how much they distract me
it always comes right back to you.

What's this?

2009-04-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

too much to write
inspite of this
where one half of him
is half from past
and one half from back
to end. and front
the same in one
and two of them
but yet so different
you can see
from front to end
and back and forth
there may be something
dear, which dear that's there
that i see here
that seems the same
and was in some ways
but still a world apart
and now.. it's in my heart.

Me against the world.

2009-04-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

on the ridge
on my own
with this view
mine alone
no one else
not a soul
who can sit
on this ridge
of my own
made of stone
that i've carved out each day
each day that i stayed
and i left.. then i strayed...
but it's here that i lay
on this ridge
that i carved
on my own
made of stone
not a soul, not a shared moment
or a thought, or a tale that's been lost
on this ridge
carved of stone
like a throne
but it's tough
and it's rough
when yer back is towards
the ocean ever wide
against all the rest
of the men of this earth
cornered into this spot
on this ridge
called my throne
now my home
and it's here that I'm stuck
and it's where all is fucked
on my own
all alone
on this ridge
carved in stone
bare as bone
mine alone...

it weighs me down.

2009-03-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

held back.. off the track
falling off..
with momentary hesitation
what is this pull? why is it here?
and send it far.. away from me
it's like a new world that shines bright
all ahead.. a walk on tomorrow
with constant pauses
once here, and sometimes there
to turn and look
but too much for me
to look at such things
it's hazy and muddled
no matter which day
no matter which time
it still remains
from this first day
of all it was. and never is

and it holds you back
and it throws you off track
i keep falling off.. and off.. and off..

Elusive to me.

2009-03-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

I captured my thoughts today
with ink and a page in my hand
I held it firmly and sealed it fast
I captured my thoughts so well

Your manner oh how it offends
to some, to none, but mostly to me
I captured it well on that day
and I wrote it all down with a pen

These circles are wide that we make
that keep turning round with such grace
but they've captured your eye you see
and it's taken you out, far from me

I'd capture your heart if I could
I'd hold it and tear it apart
with many a day spent on wishes and kisses
I'd capture you all just for me.

[March 18th, 2009.]

~G.B.

The obvious oblivious tale of fate.

2009-03-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

This fits in here, but it won't go in
Not so neat & tidy anymore
Made one by one, but it's too far gone
None makes much senses in your head
Both hand in hand, such perfection here
Yet all is muchly ignored
For this here truth may be rightly told
Much rather complicate things

One and this one must add up somehow
this here equation is correct
But best to ignore all that's obvious now
cuz temptation has much bigger eyes
All that exists to align in this time
seem made perfectly somehow
But gone is the sight and all logic by now
and away with us writing our fate...

[March 18th 2009]

~G.B

Past to Present.

2009-03-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

i choose this song, this song for you
i choose it now and not for long
i chose it how i know it best
for every single right and wrong

i feel this way for now i do
i feel it just the way they say
i felt it hard, for real this time
with every price i've had to pay

i see these words that play on here
i see the way they write my pain
i saw the day that all was gone
with nothing learned, not much to gain

i know now what i do is wrong
i know the way i've carried on
i knew it all along perhaps
but now it's done and far long gone

i think that now i'll do this thing
i think it's time i change my gaze
i thought i always knew the way
but i've been here and lost for days

i will be strong enough this time
i will be fighting as i smile
i was behind for far too long
and dragged on slowly for a while

i'll dream up bigger dreams this time
i'll dream a bright and coloured scene
i've dreamt of fiction for too much time
and now it's time i dream for me.

Tiresome.

2009-03-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

a fog .. such a haze
cutting through, not these days
feeling stifled, cannot breathe
there's too much to perceive
such a mess, i can't see
never more.. never free
never tied to the spot
of the things that i've got
always loose and undone
with the worse yet to come
can't hold on to this page
all that's here is my rage
still this drink does entice
been here once, seen it twice
gotta grab hold of something
cuz my seams are unravelling
with your game that you play
another dollar, and one more day
and growing tired with dismay
with this constant hitting of replay
still i'm vexed.. much perplexed
with every word and line and text
i'm oh so tired, getting cold
the scene it's slowly growing old
too lost within, i can't get out
pulling me in, infused with doubt
of anything that's ever true
something borrowed, bound & blue
of lies, deceit and foul play
and nothing here to make me stay
it makes no sense no longer here
it really is as it appears
but more and often hidden parts
that take up space within our hearts
i can't feel it no more
i don't see what it's for
can't look into this door
when i'm tired and so worn
so keep it away
don't want you to stay
cuz what's worth a chance
when you can't even dance
so tired of these ways
can't count on these days
i've lost track of time
of these long drawn heart crimes
i can't see anymore
i'm way down on the floor..
i'm so tired of these days
i'm so tired of these ways...
i'm so tired of much dismay..
i need to find a better way.

three times three.

2009-03-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

flutter. feel. and see this here
of all the things that come this year
that bring it closer and much more near

focusing on what's to come
the steady beat if this here drum
begins with just one gentle strum

of fingertips so softly placed
it leaves with me a strange new taste
no time to stop, nor time to waste

when first there was a wicked mess
with way too much mental distress
i start to want it less and less

for whatever reason there was before
i see it now as such an eye sore
and quite frankly, an even bigger bore

there are no more seams to mend
and no longer reasons to pretend
when one can see.. we've reached the end

but not the end, for all you see
because it's still a brand new start for me
and all of that which may just be

and even though i don't know all
it's better to walk, though you may fall
no use in trying to slow or stall..

cuz ... a smile brightens up the day
just perhaps it has come to stay.
...and I know now all will be okay. :)

~ giusi.B

Undeniably denied.

2009-03-01T16:55:00.001-08:00

it seeps from the grounds below our feet
and sinks into my very soul
and mirrors fog, the windows stain
from wretched pistol smoke

my, what fine things you have, she says
they sparkle, then shine, they do
it glares from ahead, looking bright with deceit
time to sound the alarms, time to dread

the shudders, are loud
can't you hear them so clear?
the shiver is following now

as i ask what you see
can't you feel? can't you read?
it's all a joke for no one can perceive

your strut is a farce
your face, how you glimmer
with sadness and plenty of lies

a tower of power
with weakening beams
that threaten to crash down on you

my stomach it turns with a rage that consumes
overpowering all that can be, all is true
and no matter, no use in denying this toll
you succumb to which ever reaction it brings

all pretend and ambition with false parting words
no use trying to play parts with compassion
it's a dance here you see, weaving in, sometimes out
and i've stopped prancing in these distractions.

no more time here or there
can't forgive, you're all bare
time to go, time to leave it behind

it's a lie, i feel sick
it's abuse, call it quits
can't control, it's all me, not this time

how i feel, doesn't matter
how you feel, go to hell
couldn't care, it's a fact who you are

cannot hide all those reasons
show it loud, shout your pride
it's a shame how you toss it about

still i walk away wounded from battles that never were
and never will, never have and never shall be
it is a door kept ajar.. but was never meant to open
so, shut it now... and seal it closed once and for all

felt like the sickening sound of scraping nails against the board
and every pain and every hurt, it all the time was always mine
and never once was it a concern that came within an inch of you
so leave it be.. i'll slide away.... and fade away from this old story.

[ ~G.B ]

Come un soffio di vento

2009-02-26T10:41:00.000-08:00

Vorrei passare nel mondo
come un soffio di vento
che accarezza la vita:
senza farsi notare,
senza fare rumore,
solo farsi sentire.

Penetrare nel cuore
dove l'uomo non muore
e nascondersi là:
per godere l'amore,
poi un raggio di sole
là nell'intimità.

E cantare sui prati
sussurrando agli uccelli:
io t'invidio lo sai
per la tua libertà.
E sentirmi volare
proprio dove mi pare
per toccare il mio cielo
e arrivare di là.

Vorrei passare nel mondo
come un soffio di vento
che accarezza i bambini:
far sentire la brezza
di un mattino diverso
in un mondo che muore.

Camminare e parlare
della vita e di tutto
e giocare anche un po':
ed in fondo t'accorgi
che un bambino t'insegna
ciò che tu non sai più.

E cantare sui prati
sussurrando agli uccelli:
io t'invidio lo sai
per la tua libertà.
E sentirmi volare
proprio dove mi pare
per toccare il mio cielo
e arrivare di là.

Vorrei passare nel mondo
come un soffio di vento
che va verso il Signore:
spalancare la vita
sull'eterno presente
che riempie il mio cuore.

Io mi sento disperso
nell'amore di Dio
che non finirà più:
ogni istante è una vita
che io sento infinita,
il mio soffio sei tu.

E cantare sui prati
sussurrando agli uccelli:
io t'invidio lo sai
per la tua libertà.
E sentirmi volare
proprio dove mi pare
per toccare il mio cielo
e arrivare di là...

[ Giosy Cento ]

I'm just a fish in your ocean.

2009-02-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

i swam in the deep.. i swam far and long
i swam til the shore was so lost and so gone
i swam fairly quickly, i swam out to you
for it's all i could see and the one thing i knew
there's no shaking this off, it's here til the end
so i'll swim til tomorrow as i still will pretend
that i can't feel the pull of the ocean so deep
nor the lights from within that forever will keep
me coming up for air when i can't seem to think
and if i stop swimming now, i will most surely sink
so, on i will swim til i get there one day
when there's not that much more of which i can say
and until it will tire and there's visible land
i will swim here forever and crisscross the sand
with words of mere passion that fill up my head
and i'll sit here and scribble down my thoughts instead

i swam far away from the one that i had
i swam even though it would make me so sad
i teetered and tottered for great lengths on this line
and gave up so easily what for always was mine
but there's no lifeboat here that's far out in this sea
no ships, nor a raft that will come and save me
not a lighthouse in sight that can show me the way
all these waves and bad waters keep the saviors at bay
stick to land where it's safer and dryer my friend
stay to glamour and skylights of city's of trend
keep to shallows and maybe's of graceful display
that never will smudge and that never will fray
yet i swim with this weight of what's real here within
and i'll always have light from the moon when it's dim
i swam out for days and i'll swim, though i tire..
i'll swim til the end of this bright burning fire.

~G.B

Forgotten Blues.

2009-02-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

seems like impossibility
there's nothing i can see
as if i'm never free
of what is meant to be

it gets me every time
losing out with every rhyme
and it feels like such a crime
but forever it is mine

and back the same way
growing stronger with each day
and there's nothing more to say
still it's dim and very grey

but it's not how i would choose
when it's both of us who lose
and we're singing tired blues
of yesterday's forgotten news

La Farsa.

2009-02-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

As solid as it may seem to you
He stood tall; he stood still; he stood proud.
With wit and charm, standing out from the crowd
Promising excitement and something so new.

Though is what you see something true?
Cuz it's not the same once you've turned around
And what's said low is not what's said loud
And you're left sitting pondering it through.

Can we start to believe all that we see
It never was real; not here and not now
But we choose to go on and pretending it all

And we'll never be over and never be free
By the way we continued with this furrowed brow
And we throw ourselves down and continue to fall.

[ G.B - October 31st, 2008. ]

Pathetic and Ruined.

2009-01-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

A long awaited curtain call, that brushes past my feet
The crowd’s applause so loud and fierce it’s stinging in my ears
The lights go dim around us all as people start to leave
And so here ends the final scene of this extensive spun off plot.

A masterpiece of great proportions this play was set to be
Full of twists and turns of every kind that set the stage ablaze
Of ever going, never showing, always fleeing heroine
Cast parallel to the antagonist in this tale of dying glory.

What started out so sweetly in the age of lure and innocence
Began on shattered glass and lies that never ceased to wound us
No honesty and mucho distrust that loomed above like threatening clouds
The tone was set profoundly in the very first act, since the very first scene.

They circled around each other... sometimes here, sometimes there
Causing major rifts; predicaments. Many obstacles… dilemmas.
The ties that bind, the lies that blind that encompass our two players
Are what bore them down into the ground until that final hour.

The heroine was set to run off with mighty steed and stable
But alas the fellow counterpart has long since lost his story.
Desires and ambitions have all fallen short and deflated
And whimsical melodic dreams have now soured and disabled.

What’s seemingly initially a fiery fight to venture into
Is quickly turned into a night of frantic loss and derangement
that lulls you into limbo with hypnosis and deceit
and chances of survival or escape are much too late

When smiles fall too quickly and land on uneven grounds
They’re left alone to spoil and rot and whither away to die
And bubbles of grace and amour from clouds that float above
burst sharply, cold and thunderously amidst the stagnant draft.

What is one and what is two never go hand in hand
Even still if the fit is most even and quite perfectly entwined,
Cuz if one is much alive and still thriving on ahead,
then the two cannot compete with its simple structured vision.

If it’s sterile and expired with a spirit that’s left dying
on the floor of this merciful play that’s exhausted past the hours
Then what point is there to try and revive what’s been decayed
and left lying there to rot with dismay, revolt and disdain.

With the chemistry correct you would think it was magic
How the effects and explosions were set up on this stage
But how things all wound up really do seem quite tragic
Better left said and done when there’s just no more to manage.

But a shadow overcomes our antagonist strutting on stage
And the plot turns to damaged, hostility and rage
First it’s ups. Then it’s downs. Then it’s most always in betweens.
Of a heroine left to struggle; left to fend for her own ways.

Not worth the effort to consume, and less than ever to refuse
To take a part of all that’s game.. when all in all.. it’s still the same
The antagonist has no will to share nor patience to include
He pulls the strings just how he dares, with lack of any sense or care.

A dying man of many gifts. Abundant full of hordes of treasures
Which were once so valued highly; part of her most greatest pleasures
A firmly planted stone; a statue.. with cracks so far within
It’s always been a misconception of the bond that locked us in.

No longer standing strong and full, it’s emptied to the bottom
The luster has diminished now and treasures have been broken
The gifts and pleasures too are gone, all fading into blackness
Succumbing to that inner void has taken all its riches.

As blank as a canvas, all barren and stale, hung upon your very wall
That can be painted any which way depending on the stray he sees that day
No volume left, nothing to see. Not one more thing to spare
It’s all been gone. No soul to sell when your life’s in one big drought.

So you turn to the gains, the sweet pleasures that sing
Though most temporary, they will suffice for some time
And you cling to what brings, sunny sides for a day
And the nights still will leave you in cold sweating darkness.

So you take what consumes, all what’s left there to burn
Though not much, it’s a high when you feel it
And it’s taken quite some time, to forget all your lies
Still you try to wash it over with disinterest and impartialness.

But all’s hidden inside, buried deep down within
In the caskets of your most central labyrinths
That you dare not peek in. You will dare not return
You will dare not reopen such madness.

Better closed off and bare. Paste a smile and be still
Better party away all your actions.
‘Til tomorrow one day.. doesn’t matter this way
All he sees is another distraction.

And yet this parade still does come to a final deadly draw
On a night of bitter passion left to dry up on the walls
Mistrust, distrust, no trust and mere illusions painted thick
Have strangled, suffocated and hung this flame out to dry.

Much better love for her to find is what he claimed so high
Erasing all you’ve planted here and quickly hit rewind
They’ll plague his final day, he says… but we all know the truth
Of mindful games and awful ways he’s used to bait his dames.

No more of this. It’s dead and done. It’s over, gone away.
She’s free of all that’s clouded her for a decade past and lost.
A shame to see the show turn this way, a severe and harsh defeat
Of a movie role that played so sweet to life’s own music sheet..

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye... adieu. Adieu.
The time has come to roll the credits, cut and roll this reel
The cast is tired, all scenes are done and the way has just been found
As the heroine waltzes past the dark and heads straight towards much better earth.

We would like to thank all audiences and members of this fanfare
Who contributed and who sang along us as we tired and drew out the fights
It was long and was hard and incredible though drawn out far too long in the end
And became quite a bore, and turned into a snore.. most predictable in its own way

No regrets of her acting, no resentments and hashing
Just a slate that’s wiped clean and made bare
With a chin held up high, and a soul that burns bright
Better roles up ahead she will find to fulfill.

Time to turn in the script, burn it down and retire
It’s a melodramatic tale, nothing left to admire
When it’s wasted and used, all is seen, nothing’s new
Time to wait on what’s better, and not partial and bruised.

As we bow down our heads, for that one final time
Last call here. it’s the end of the road now for some
Let us curtsy and wave as we make our grand exit
This fervent theatrical performance is undoubtedly permanently over.

Fin.

[ ~ G.B ~ '09 ]

quanto tempo perso dietro a lui.

2008-11-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

Mi dispiace devo andare via
Ma sapevo che era una bugia
Quanto tempo perso dietro a lui
Che promete poi non cambia mai
Strani amori mettono nei guai
Ma in realtà siamo noi

E quante notti perse a piangere
Rileggendo quelle lettere
Che non riesci più a buttare via
Dal labirinto della nostalgia
Grandi amori che finiscono
Ma perché restano, nel cuore

Mi dispiace devo andare via
Questa volta lo promesso a me
Perché ho voglia di un amore vero
Senza te...

[ strani amori - laura pausini ]

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.

2008-10-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

[ STARS : your ex-lover is dead ]

What's worth the fight?

2008-09-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

of battered lovers left high and dry
in past lives lived once near and far
of twisted love so broken and torn
that once was new and fresh when born

of hopeless ties that never cease
we keep them tied so tight, so near
becoming hatred, an empty room
while marching forward towards our doom

of lying whores who kiss, don't tell
and have you locked up in their spell
of manic ways, and panicked states
it's you who seems to choose this fate

of misery bound close to you
of something that was never true
of lustful, carnage tasty ways
accomplice to your own decay

what's worth it when you plan your day
what's worth the fight to make you stay?
cuz you keep on making same mistakes
and there's only so much a girl can take...

In absence of the sun.

2008-09-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

For all the good you say it does,
It seems no better when you've had your say.
You may believe it's just because
The words get colder when you've gone away.
I thought I understood what I was to you.

I don't want to feel this way, no,
I don't want to say I'm just a friend.
I don't want to wait around here
'Cause you don't want to feel no pain again.
We just lie about it
As we become shadows of ourselves.

Some may fear committed lives.
I sure am one of them without you.
Does it come to you as some surprise
I laid the ground beneath to doubt you?
Was it ever, boy, something you could hold?

I don't want to feel this way, no,
I don't want to say I'm just a friend.
I don't want to wait around here
'Cos you don't want to feel no pain again.
We just lie about it
As we become shadows of ourselves.

I don't want to look away.
I don't want to be the one denied.
It ain't no fault of mine
Someone somewhere told you lies.
We don't talk about it.
We just become shadows of ourselves.

[Duncan Sheik]

behind the curtain.

2008-08-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

how can something be seen
if it's hidden well behind the door?
this interlacing dance we do,
repeated over and over again and some more
with the dropping of hints, simple comments and looks,
it's become quite a tire and a definite bore
seems to me all that was or what all could have been
has become nothing more than just common folklore...

a fake and an artist, a magician even so
shifting shapes, changing phrases, incognito to the core
never knowing, always pleasing, lies that fill the air around
and these mind tricks always switching are making me become quite sore
painting pictures of a certain scene, labels placed about the room
calling sinners out and liars too, all fakers, cheats and whores
no longer pleasantries and honesty, it lacks in severe forms
while we maim and hurt so senselessly, in this secret hidden war.

are you in it to win?

2008-05-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

oblivious and unaware
it leaves me cold and feeling bare
and though i know it isn't fair
i'd never change, i wouldn't dare

so call me the loser and call me naive
but it's still so much better than being the thief
though all things are not always the way that they seem
i'm sure that some of this good grants me some small reprieve

when honesty has almost vanished
when all true hearts have dimmed and tarnished
when you think you've endured all you could've managed
and you're left all broken, bent and damaged

there is no cure and compromise
for someone else's dirty demise
and they'll all retreat behind their disguise
smiling blankly at you while they lie with their eyes

is it wrong just to hope and to contemplate
that they'll all maybe one day somehow just relate
but it's hard to be humble and sit here and wait
cuz i think for the most part, it's already too late

i just want what's due, to me and to you
to them and to all who have been right here too
i just wish that someday the good things will do
but who am i to speak, when i'm in it to lose.

It left a bad taste on my tongue...

2008-05-03T22:38:00.001-07:00

when all at once the covers
have been pulled off with such force
and you've seen it all along
but yet you could not, would not, no
view the contents of that package
neither good and nor rewarding
never sweet and not fulfilling
never was and never will be
just a bunch of fabled stories
masks of heroes and no worry
of the real and honest truth
that it was never once his glory
but a lie of cheap dimensions
fills me up with such disgust
and i'm so done with all this hashin'
of velvet dreams and of things to come
when never honest, always was
but blind of all when it came to some
when it always showed immensely
the low grade of its appeal
but when your mind if foggy
you pick and choose what becomes real
so, with that said.. with all uncovered
and unveiling mysteries while you lay with lovers
i think i'll take it all right back
cuz it ain't worth a bit, never was..

... and never will be.

sconfitta.

2008-04-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

i cannot make any more sense
of this past and present and future tense
of the why's and the how's and the who is to blame?
doesn't matter, no ... not really, cuz it's always the same.

when we're spinning in circles, so out of control
feeling deeply for it all really does take a toll
on your heart and your mind and on mostly your soul
but these wild strings of life will still tug and still pull

with a wish for what's simple and a sweet kind of peace
but my heart & my soul have been put up for lease
where the buyer beware of all that which may come
with this prison around me, it's become quite a sum

there's no longer a promise of answers and truth
and not even a mere suggestion of a permanent roof
and they say that it all happens for a very reason
but i've lost count and track of time with each passing season

the truth, there is none, as far as i'm concerned
just a lesson and a story from these fires that have burned
and no longer is the tale a happy one to tell
when all dreams and aspirations have been put up for sale...

Give up this fight.

2008-02-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

because my feelings consume my very being
and I no longer know what i am seeing
and i can't afford to lose my mind again
for broken love every now and then

What's left but to write.

2008-02-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

* * *

What's left there to try?
when i can barely cry
and question the why
yet there's still no goodbye
and the river is dry
with the last of my sigh
and the both of our lies
always in a disguise

what's left there to say?
and convince me to stay
always feeling betrayed
maybe wait one more day
and we'll soon find a way
i do hope, and i pray
still these games we do play
yet we can't walk away

what's left there to think?
always feeling my heart sink
when i'm right on the brink
with this knot to unlink

what's left there to do?
when you want to be true
and all i feel is blue
well, i just haven't got a clue...

* * *

a tale of nothing.

2008-01-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

when suddenly mere words seem too dull
and lifeless to even begin to explain
just exactly every single thing
and exactly the way i would say

so, it's best to say nothing
and cause some distraction
cuz it's more than my actions
giving such dissatisfaction

too weird, much too tangled
to draw you a picture
and no matter the reasons
no one's ever really sure

i don't understand it
i can't seem to make sense
and now the air all around
has gotten really tense

it's not what i choose
or how i planned anything
when i can't comprehend
when no one speaks or even sings

when neither me and neither him
and never you it ever was
and it never really mattered
just because it never does

if i could change it up one way
and shape it up just perfectly
i still would not be clear
on how to mould the plaster here

so as i send apologies
for being stubborn, cold, abrupt
there are no answers or replies
so no one dares to interrupt.

I don't have a title.

2008-01-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

trash removal on this day
only to avoid such total dismay
when i want to pick up and go
and just start on a brand new road
away from the chaos inside of my mind
to whatever simple peace that i might find
when the path is marked for disaster
it's only normal to wanna run faster
and quicken my pace
maybe vanish without a trace
it'd be nice. it'd be good
i really would if i could
when i can't seem to fight
or hold on with my might
and life just swallows you whole
and spits you further from your goal
not that you even knew
at any moment just what to do
but isolation seems best right now
while these lines are forming in my brow
on knowing why or when or what
can pull me out of this fucking rut
some space to think and figure out
just what the hell this shit's about
and in the meantime i'll drift away
to silence all the things i cannot say.

Second Best.

2007-12-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

in the sidelines
waiting ever so patiently
and biding time
and counting tiles
while making wishes on stars so bright
while looking blindly in your eyes
a hope of maybe simple things
to come on such a winter day
so cold and fierce a wind
sending shivers far and wide
though being held so tight, confined
this embrace is neither warm nor bound
that leaves me frigid once untied
and waiting on the promise of
a chance and better things to come
but neither here and neither there
the shore is still so far away
and i'm a shell kept hidden well
to peek and prod when feelings swell
admired in a close kept spot
and shut out from the rays above
cuz time... there's always some around
and who needs cages when we can roam around
to hell with all the boundaries
is that the only thing you see?
in me and all you you think is free..??
when night's the only time we roam
when other things will catch your eye
and take you far from time to time
and patience is a virtue they say
one long and tried and cumbersome
too heavy of a hand to hold
when it tugs in both directions
always pulling off to either side
where waiting seems so tedious
and maybe in vain
cuz i feel the pain
so devastatingly
with knowing that for now in time
and possibly for always
i'll never be the first in line
but rest assured, i'm second best.

on lock down.

2007-12-18T10:28:00.001-08:00

behind closed doors. kept under lock and key
where people all around us cannot hear or see
can't even tell which day or what the time may be
with the lies laid all around us always meant to deceive

and still i stay closeby with my humble plea
and the hours growing closer will only agree
that you need to make decisions when it comes to me
because this undercover story needs to be set free

out in the open and proclaimed and out onto the sea
from tops of mountains and from even dark & deep valleys
in open fields, out in the streets and high above all trees
you need to choose.. let's make this real. stop playing make-believe.

Imbalance in the scales.

2007-12-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

crashing to the ground
i cannot make a sound
and i cannot give you time
when i know that you're not mine
and maybe never will be
and not the way i see
because you'd feel it in your heart
if you knew we'd never part
and i can't seem to shake
this feeling, i can't break
the way you hesitate
with every thing you state
longer pauses and decisions
while everything around me spins
when giving up means finally
and closing doors so effortlessly
i don't think that it's true
that you're giving me what's due
when i'd give up the world and it's entirety for you.
but you know that
and you always did
i'm just waiting for it to come out of your words
and in everything that you do.
and only until then.
but i'm afraid that time has come to pass.
because i'm afraid that it's not going to last.
i'm afraid that it's just not your vision
and i'm afraid that no amount of wishing
and praying and talking
is going to make you change your mind.
so.. i bid thee adieu
time.. you have lots.
and i still sit still like i always do..
and i'll still remain existing only for you.

Lack of Conviction.

2007-12-03T00:26:00.001-08:00

unlike a neon sign
dead straight ahead
blinking its message
so loud and clear

unlike the street signs
on sides of roads
to tell you just
which way to go

unlike the clouds
and even the skies
that clear or grey
showing what comes today

unlike the time
of day the ticks away
and moves along
its steady rhythmic ways

unlike a pendulum that sways
from side to side
never faltering
and always the same way

unlike my mind
and heart and soul
that never seems to see
and will never ever seem to know...

My Mind's View

2007-11-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

an overreaction of feelings and thoughts
brought on by some common destruction
where i can't seem to control the wheel anymore
and it's not making anymore sense in my head

just a slight little notion that's off from the first
and it's off on this tangent to where it just goes
i can't calm it down and i don't quite know why
that i'm dealing with phases and phrases this way

sensitivity's high and so is my perception
an anchor that's tortured and burdened me so
cuz with even one thought that's misplaced over here
i'm left spinning way out of control

and trying to figure out how to conclude
how to shut it all off and ignore it
is completely impossible and futile to me
so, i'm left feeling lost and so hopeless

not anyone's fault for my mind seeing this way
it's not yours, nor mine, not anyone else's
and i'm trying to view it and see it their way
or just any which way that won't break me

but simple it's not and too hard of a task
i'm just trying to be on the neutral
and i have no idea why i see all this way
it's a curse that i'll seem to live on with...

Should've.

2007-11-08T22:44:00.000-08:00

should've seen it coming
should've been aware
should've been more wiser
but still i stayed right there
should've kept away
should've turned away
should've never gave you time
to make me feel this way
i should've never this
and should've never that
and should've always known
that this would all be bad
should've left it there
should've never cared
cuz here am i again
where i never should've dared
should've kept my cool
i should've just seen
the warning signs around me
and everything in between
should've been much smarter
should've known it'd show
should've chose much better
and now i know that i should go.

Heart Rumbles.

2007-10-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

still got it. it's here. i feel it right now.
and i'm not even quite that sure how
to tell you, or show you. i'm not good at this
but even through downtimes, you still bring me bliss

i melt. and i glow. and i gush over you
and no matter whatever, i've always been true
to nobody else. not really the same
cuz there's always been good despite of the rain.

you've got me. you've had me for always you see
it's all in your hands just how great this could be
don't question my doubts and my hesitations
cuz i'm only just clearing out waste and frustrations

but please don't forget at the end of the day
that i'd really prefer that it's you who will stay
the beat still sounds loudly, rock steady and sound
still my heart rumbles sweet and so very profound.

<3

Apologies in advance..

2007-10-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

mi perdoni
i'm sorry
but i didn't mean to
it's not a choice
that's easy for me
not guilty, yet so guilt-stricken am i
for something that i haven't done
but i can't say that i will not
when it's not for me to choose
and i'm torn between the two
it's not fair, and i despair
over feelings left unsaid
and i'm always playing dead
in fear of grounds i will not tread
but yet it's always in my head
i can't be free
not now.. not here.
and yet i try to make it better
a start again and things anew
we'll patch it up with just some glue

i want it to be..
i want it to be.
i wish it to be.
but still it won't be.

like drug clouded hazes
i'm walking through mazes
and desperately hoping
it leads me to you.

so please help me God
clear my mind from this drug
what's safer. what's saner.
make it better in time.

but i'm sorry for now
and i'm sorry for later
there's no way to fortell what will come
but i need to be true to myself this time around..
and just know that i've always loved you.

What shall it be my love?

2007-10-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

why i gotta be that way

always in dismay

sensitively and distasteful

distrust. mistrust. uncertainty.

you laid it here.

you built this house.

and now it's all around me now.

can't shake this feeling

why are we dealing

it's never quite the same you know

it pulls me left

and sometimes right

and rarely in the middle

i can't see on the other side

and it's making me feel sick

sick at heart

sick in mind

though i don't mind..

no, not right now

and maybe later

i'll change my mind.

but what's the gameplan?

cuz i don't know

whether i'll stay

or if i'll go.

and if it's meant for someone else

and another time

that isn't now.

but i can't decide

and you make it harder

for me to choose

when you chase wild cards

leaving me behind

cuz that's what it is

when the light grows dim

should i owe you more?

cuz i don't think so.

and i won't quite show

never giving in

and this isn't stuck

like glue. or cement.

it's unstapled and it's loose

cuz that's just how you choose

and i will not lose.

but you never show me

permanence and something real

i need a figure

of strong proportions

standing strong and stable

against all odds..

isn't that what they say?

is that how it goes?

and yet i have no real ideas

or any answer

so we play this waiting game

and it's sweet

and it's love

and it's so much fun sometimes

and it's not anchored to the floor

and now i'm left drifting off once more.

so please be quick

please be soon.

i'm growing tired of this fix

and choose a way

be it here or there.

and stick to it

don't stray from it

cuz i'm losing grasp

can't seem to catch

my breath from all this hazy mess

and i fear i just might fall right off

and lose you from that heightened spot

for good, forever more

and wiped out right inside the core...

but i'm just thinking loudly

a girl with silly feelings

but i always play forkeeps..

and now it's time for sleep.

Depth of a feeling.

2007-10-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

deeper than i think, making my heart sink

tugging my heart's strings, shouldn't think these things

way too close to me, and the only thing i see

try too hard to push away, though i want so bad to stay

not for me.. not at all, still i always seem to fall

wish you'd say it, or maybe you could quit

genuine or evil ploys, you never know with certain boys

if only i were much more wise, then i'd know to cast you aside

still i ponder every night, still i seem to hold on tight

onto nothing never there, just a glance .. a touch.. a stare

you leave me hanging dry, foolish me who's left to cry

i don't know what i see, i wish to God to be set free

of what seems to bind, and what i cannot find

which i seem to search in you, for something sound and true

not sure what it is, but you seem to have it kid

and you've taken me by storm, and now i'm worse than before

and silly me for being here, but silly you for staying near

i know you know the half if it, cuz i told you like a drunken twit

stumbling in my own mistakes, i just have so much at stake

but it's too much to handle, and you're too much of a gamble

when i know it's not the same, when i feel it's just your game

stuck in the same place, running always the same race

and it's still you, and i'm still blue

crazy to try, left here to sigh

but it's deeper you see, now it's too late for me.

a vision of ambition.

2007-09-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

trapped between reasons
and caught within seasons
i'm losing my grasp on all things with your treasons

on choosing my roles
and on keeping with goals
i just keep moving forward and filling in holes

but it's not even here
not even next year
there's so much to decide and even way more to fear

many paths left to choose
though i don't want to lose
and i'm trying much harder not to fall, not to bruise

but a better plan up ahead
are we better off dead?
cuz i'm not even sure if those grounds i will tread

all i know is one thing
and of what i shall sing
maybe titles aren't so valuable, maybe they won't mean a thing.

i want it all
i seem to stall
and always crashing into some kind of wall..

but it's my decision
my one life mission
and somehow it's always in revision.

and maybe now
it all seems sound
you've got me tightly held and bound

by sheer free will
my dearest will....
my one and only lifelong thrill

i want a life
just as a wife
my composition seems finally right.

a slave to tradition
i choose no ambition
because i've found in the end that it's just not my vision.

never mine.

2007-08-10T18:12:00.001-07:00

never was. never once. never even for a day.
not today. and nor tomorrow. not even yesterday.
it wasn't here. it never was. it's just not anywhere at all.
and you are there. inside her lair. at her every single beck and call.

why do i care? why do i sneer? why do i even bother much?
to think at all.. to ponder on these silly things and such and such
i wish to God that you were gone. and far away, i wish you well..
cuz for unknown reasons and unfair plans, i'm under your dark & twisted spell.

it's better when you're gone from here. and better when i'm on my own
it's just much saner away from you.. cuz it seems i've got myself on loan
i hate this feeling of no control. consuming every single ounce of me
cuz it's all just being wasted.................. and still it's only you i see.

:(

Time Trial.

2007-08-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

my head is spinning and spinning out of control
i crumble and nosedive right onto the floor
my breath is gone.. through my mind my thoughts pour
and i'm sitting here contemplating getting back into war

am i sick? am i twisted? am i losing my mind?
do i want it? do i miss it? is there no one else to find?
can't forget it. cannot close it. you're a part of my design
and it seems to me i've never really ever been quite fine.

still i wonder and i question every reason, how's and why's
it's been so very long since i have finally learned not to cry
with choices made. the deal is done. stamped and shut. we've said goodbye.
.... but this, but that, but what if's too.. and maybe just one more try..

it's lunacy.. insanity.. pure rash thoughts running wild
but there's never going to be someone who'll ever make me smile
just the same way, just the right way.. i've just hid behind denial
and i think i might .. by some sheer chance.. rethink this for a while.

call me crazy. call me stupid. call me hopeless and deranged...
but there's only just that one. and maybe things have changed.
i'm just thinking. i'm just wonderin'.. and i'm just being kinda lame.
cuz maybe nuthin's different and it'll all just be the same.

but it's always there. and holding tight. there's nothing that will make it move
and try as you might. push and shove all you'd like.. i have nothing left to prove
but time has passed. it's been a while. and i just only want the truth...
and pages turn.. and slates are cleared... I think I know what i should do.

I've come to some conclusions.....

2007-07-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

i'm happy i can breathe again. i'm happy that it's sane again.
i'm happy that it's not all twisted and knotted in the pit of my stomach anymore.
i'm so relieved it's finally gone.. and so serene with things blown over
i never thought it'd happen soon.. i never thought it'd happen ever...

loss of control over mind and feelings.. that's all come back so suddenly
and any drawbacks and unsettled stories... can finally move back to end of the drawers.
cuz i was standing alone here with shakey limbs.. teetering and tottering
to confusion, misgivings.. reading into signs.. and seeing into absolutely nothing at all....

i see something good. i see something great. i see something so immensely full of life.
but i see something wounded. i see something lost. and i see something never giving up the fight..
it's kinda sad.. it's kinda tragic. i see a lot more than maybe i should be seeing.
but it's not my place to say. it's not my place to question. it's not my place to stir and make a big commotion.

i have the reins back again. i'm feeling ok. and i'm feeling better.
i'm happy stable grounds are beneath my feet once again..
i'm feeling good about the days to come. about tomorrow's great big plan.
and now i'm feeling all ok about it. don't think it could be any other way..
and that's ok.
and that's ok.
and that's alright with me.
I think it's the only way to be.
I think it's the only way, you see.

i'm stuck on this page...

2007-07-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

temporarily side-tracked.
blinded and clouded minded.
inside out and upside down.
and all over and under the place.

no control over any of it
no chance of escape.
can't make a run for it.
can't see the other side.
and it's happening still
repeating. it stops. and it starts all again.

i'm blinded. i'm binded. losing all sight of things.
not fair. i'm angry. annoyed. it's making me sick.
imagination running wild.
and it's happening too much.
it's taking over too much.
it's just way too much.

not sure what to do.
it's your fault. it's mine. it's nobody's at all.
just repeating. and stopping. and starting over again.

can't get it out. can't take it off.
my mind's just a moving reel
cycling maybes and what if's
and it's getting old fast...
and it's getting cold fast.

i'm drowning in dreams
that you'll never know of
i'm grasping at chances
that never were mine
i'm hoping for one day
and hoping in time
and waiting for nothing
and waiting for something
and waiting and waiting.
silent mouthed. lips are sealed.

one more time on repeat...
not quite ready to stop...
start this over again...
and again...
and again...

Disconnected.

2007-07-08T11:16:00.001-07:00

untied. unglued. pull apart and turn it loose

step away from it for now.

take a breather.. take a break

take some time to think it over

or not think at all

or just sit still

and walk away

for just a moment. just a day. or maybe more

and just forget. or turn away

it only soaks too much up anyways

change the scenery

change the lights. change the way you think about

different route. different plans.

none of them with you in mind

knowing better. seeing clearer.

steps away and miles apart

too close for comfort. too far from here.

it's something i just have to do.

i need some time.

i needed more.

i wanted more.

and it's not here.

so, flick the switch

and turn it off....

it's finally time to disconnect.

If you marry me.. would you bury me.

2007-07-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

you leave me here
in such a state
of disaster... where i'm left
to pick up the broken pieces
where i try... and try..
but i just cry and cry...

cuz i can't seem to play the game right
and i'm always right back at the start
but nuthin ever changes...
the evil lies within
and it hangs low
and hides beneath
the layers of artificial sweetner

and i try and i try..
but i still cry..
oh how i cry...

i push myself
ahead of me..
to find a way to you
to find a place
to dream away
for happiness
to become real
to become whole
to become fused together
when that exists
then it can be good.

but it's not..
and i try..
and i try...
i still cry, and i'll cry...

you leave me here
under yer darkness
of fallen shadows
left to wilt
left to rot
left to wallow in yer decay
left alone.
left alone.

you make me die.
you make me cry.
you make me try..
i try so hard..
you make me cry.. and cry and cry...
you make me cry and cry and cry..
you make me cry and cry and cry..
but i still try.. oh, how i try.
and i'll always try..
even though i'll always cry...
til our last goodbye.
goodbye... goodbye..
and i still cry...

Return of the Knights.

2007-07-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

where have all the knights gone..?
where did they go to?
they seem to have disappeared
and i haven't got a single clue
as to when they will return
or if they even will
must i stay and wait here
at the top of this high hill?
for chivalry and manners
that don't exist no more,
for bravery and loyalties
and love right through the core.
Is it all gone.. is it all dead?
Cuz i can't seem to find any
on this lonely road i tread.
The knights have all gone
and aren't coming back.
Or maybe they've just wandered off
and somehow gotten off track
But i guess i'll just be patient
and wait until the day
that the knights will all come back
and clear away all this decay.

and then there were two.

2007-07-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

i think about one
to not think of the other
both are bad news
so why do i bother?

let me go over it
and explain it to you
so perhaps you might have
a much clearer view

of the reasons i sit
and obsess over this
and make trouble for me
my whole world is amiss

let me start with the first
since that one is past
of a dream of forever
which never did last

a most difficult time
of so bumpy a ride
and i can't count the times
of nights that i cried

but still we were friends
the best of the kind
i'm glad for the love
and good times i did find

no looking back now
the book has been closed
so tortured the heart
but you know how it goes

so now i begin
number two, here we go
but where do i start?
cuz it's all kinda slow

this one's much harder
cuz mine he was not
but i'm crazy about him
a heck of a lot!

he's bad news for sure
i should keep away
but i can't seem to stop
for just even one day

he has such a hold
over me it's unreal
but it'll never be known
to him just how i feel

there's no other boy
quite like him you see
but he's so very wrong
and just not made for me

but he's the only one
who's been able to free
my mind from the other
and you just have to see

his haunting brown eyes
oh gawd how i melt
this crazy attraction
i've never quite felt

he keeps me smiling
with his childish antics
he's just like a drug
and i sure need a fix

the only one person
who's made me refrain
from thinking of times
when my heart was so drained

and maybe i'm silly
for behaving this way
but anything will do
when your heart has decayed

to keep from remembering
all things of the other
until maybe one day
i shall find me another

and maybe it's such
a cheap made replacement
but my days are just filled
of dismal resentment

so, do i drop him too
and just think of the first?
or do i hold on to him..?
i feel like i'm cursed!

i hate that i feel
so incredibly helpless
to love and attraction
but i'm getting so restless

i miss so much
of what i left behind
i need to move forward
and stop with this rewind

of things that will never
be the way that they were
it's crazy just how much
your poor heart does endure

so.. this is my story
of boy one and boy two
i'm not sure if it helped
to give you a clue

cuz i'm surely not seeing
anything any clearer
and i'm still in the same spot
yet i'm still a believer

of romance and love
and keeping up hope
of something so sacred
that binds stronger than rope

i guess i'll just sit here
and wait for the day
when finally i can smile
and it shall all be okay.

sick from the inside out.

2007-07-08T11:06:00.001-07:00

eating away inside my stomach
inside my mind... inside my soul
clenching a fist around my heart
squeezing, and tugging, and ripping apart
floating about this cloudy sky
drifting away... losing the ground
pushing away from off the track
falling away... sinking below
turning around and round in circles
spinning too fast... out of control
breaking apart at all the cracks
coming undone... crumbling down
losing my sleep on empty nights
dreaming away... waking too soon
losing my grip on my own self
letting it go... giving it up.

rising above for one more moment
starting again... living to feel it.

This is what I am. This is what I'm not.

2007-07-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

so, i'm not the gurL that's all flirty with you.
so, i'm not the gurL who will take your shit.
so, i'm not the gurL who'll be mean and use you to get stuff.
so, i'm not the gurL who will play with your heart and feelings.
so, i'm not the gurL who talks dirty to all the boys.
so, i'm not the gurL who puts herself out there.
so, i'm not that daredevil, risk-taker that lives my life on the edge.
so, i'm not that mousey-slave gurL.
so, i'm not a modeL.
so, i'm not accomplished.
so, i'm not wealthy.
so, i'm not famous and glamourous.
so, i'm not a trophy girlfriend.

i'm the girl with a big heart.
i'm the girl with the big dreams.
i'm the girl with too many giggles.
i'm the girl who's domesticated and chef supreme.
i'm the girl who wants to work hard for a living.
i'm the girl who wants my own space.
i'm the girl who gives you space.
i'm the girl who wants to hold you so close.
i'm the girl who will make you soup.
i'm the girl with old fashioned antics.
i'm the girl that always cries at sappy movies.
i'm the girl who won't give up on you.
i'm the girl who will push you forward.
i'm the girl who will hold on if you fall.
i'm the girl who will always be loyal.
i'm the girl who wants to love you so badly..

but that's not the girl you want.. is it?

Stay up til 4 in the morning.....

2007-07-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

Blahhhhhhhh... insomnia kicks my ass everytime.
and thoughts run rampant through my sad and tired mind.
and lately it seems like it's always the same scene
being played over and over again on some sort of repeat

just how much control do we have over our choices
and can you alter the paths by loudening our voices?
when you have no idea of what lies ahead of you
never sure, never knowing of the things you should do.

guarantees, there are none. it's a risk all around
and the stakes are real high... so much shit going down.
you can't pick, unless you know. there's no choice but to try
hesitation. bad decisions. my emotions running dry...

there's a track you have to keep on.. push ahead.. and keep on going
leave behind the chance of greatness.. there's no way of ever knowing.
but you tried. and you've cried. and all hope has dimmed this time
with every reason and every season that you phrase into your rhyme.

but never once can i catch a glimpse of what is going on inside
and to be quite honest over here, i think you're taking me for a ride.
it's always riddles and it's always this and it's always not really defined.
it's so much easier to hide behind your loss, and continue being blind.

so.. i stay awake. with randomness. and many thoughts all gone awry
as i question everything you do. and every reason why..
cuz i just don't buy it that easily.. and maybe i'm just all wrong
or maybe i've just seen the things i've wanted to all along....

Who's fault is it anyways?

2007-07-08T10:57:00.002-07:00

I'm feeling disappointed.

I feel a bit let down.
Cuz I can't seem to find the reason
why no one turns around.
And maybe it's my fault
and perhaps i am to blame
having such high expectations
and doing what's right seems all in vain

I see actions all around me
that just do not add up
I'm feeling pretty low about it
and i think i've had enough.
Dunno how to pretend no more
Dunno quite how to act
Cuz nothing's as it really seems
we're missing all the facts.

of lies and cover ups here and there
and i'm probably guilty too
but did you ever stop and think
that i was only protecting you?
but people will not rest so easily
needing fuel to add to their fire.
and in the long run what is it they get..?
a whole bunch of truths and them left as the liar.

I've lost, in the end, this battle
when it's all been said and done
cuz it's really myself i should blame
for handing you over the gun.
Control of my actions i have
though i never quite seem to know how
so, i try to make sense of the others
and i'm lost more than ever right now.

Everyone's guilty of selfishness
everyone's doing their part
in the game just to win the grande prize
even though we might break someone's heart.
Whether it's yours, or mine or theirs
there's always someone who gets caught
There's no use pointing fingers to blame
We're all left feeling somewhat distraught.

I'm aware that I choose what I'm doing
and it's obvious which things I should change
it's not quite as simple to do though...
when it's your whole life you need to rearrange.
So.. excuse all the mess and confusion
and pardon my lack of concern
while i clean up the wreckage around me
Just another life lesson i've learned

a turning point.

2007-07-08T10:57:00.001-07:00

if you were gone, i wouldn't care.
i'd keep on moving so unaware

how i torture myself just isn't fair

so i have to turn my focus elsewhere.

but if he were gone, i'd notice quick.

cuz the things he does, they always stick.
not yer typical run of the mill kinda prick

trying to play it off cool and be mister slick.

a slave to my heart, a sucker for feelings
my emotional, sensitive ways keep me reeling

first it's front, then it's back, always something appealing
still i have no idea why i keep on believing.

so, perhaps i should try and take hold of the reins

turn it swift to the left and steer clear of the pain

it's inevitable, it's obvious, like an oncoming train

what your all about mister, there's no need to remain.

a turning point. sudden change in the course.
just so bored of your usual lame old discourse
seems to me i've been trying to hold on with such force
when all along it was him who was always the source.

i have no more to say. i'm tired of thinking
this ship of contempt for you is finally sinking

i don't want a part of it, i don't want to win.
cuz the light i once saw in you has finally gone dim.

All about you.

2007-07-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Been going on for far too long this way

and for what reasons? for just what reasons?

I can't stand to sit here another minute

while you change your mood just like the seasons.

I thought I might've seen something.

A little different from the rest of them.

But it seems to me i've been far too blind

and caught up in you, my own self i condemned.

And maybe I just like to ramble on and on

cuz i know it's far much easier to blab it all out here

Cuz mum's the word each and every other time

Not brave enough? No.. let's just get this quite clear.

It's obvious to me.. regardless of what others say

that it's not true at all. that you're not feeling the same.

Polite and just nice. day in and day out.

I'm so fucking exhausted from being in the game.

what game? was there one? i doubt it. i make my own settings.

Where i change up the scenery and write in my own lines.
And i can't seem to stop my mind's imagery from playing

But again and again ... always reading into the signs.

Maybe they're there. Maybe they're not.
Maybe it's easier if i just stop all this nonsense.
all of it. just yell CUT. and then scene complete.

and then finally .. then finally.. I'll be off of this fence.

Sparkling.

2007-07-08T10:55:00.002-07:00

Shimmering. Shining. Bright & profuse.
So much to gain. With nothing to lose.
Intriguing. Intoxicating. Drunk with delight.
Yet still I combat without winning this fight.
Brilliant & beaming. This light's gone ablaze.
But still so behind and lost deep in this maze.
Gleaming & glowing. How I wish it were true....
Somehow you should know that all I really want is you.

il scemo.

2007-07-08T10:55:00.001-07:00

un po'di lui. un po'di te.
perché di lui vedo troppo in te.
perché come lui mi farai piangere mille notte.
e come lui non mi darai mai una risposta giusta.

no.. no.. di sicuro sono sbagliata..
che pensavo per un attimo che volevo solo te.
ma adesso vedo la verità.
che problemi ne hai tanti. troppo. abbastanti.
certamente non vorrei prenderle su di me.

no.. no.. è meglio così.
che io vado da qui.. e tu vada da qui.
a quelle parte.. le conosci bene già.
non hai bisogno del mio aiuto per mostrarti la via.
di sicuro te la cavi benissimo da solo.

tu continui a seguire quello che confusa.
tu continui a dare fiato alle assurdità che tu insegui.
mentre io continuerò con le mie follie..
che sono abbastanza senza avere le vostre giochi di mente.

allora.. addio amico mio.
forse ci vedremo in un altro tempo.
..un altro modo... un'altra vita.

speravo tanto che potevi essere lui.
ma vedi che i sbagli, si fanno tanto e troppo facilmente.

cose che ti fanno restare ciechi!!

I sip on dreams and choke on real things...

2007-07-08T10:53:00.002-07:00

i'm not sure of you.
i'm not sure of me.
i'm not really sure of anything really.

i have no clue
why i feel how i do.
why i toss and i turn
and i lay awake still.

i can't seem to figure
out reasons for feelings
i can't make some sense
from the tears that keep coming

for as long as i can remember
it's always been the same
but what is it that i'm looking for
and what is it that i want?

is it even you? or never was.
was it me? and just because
i wanted desperately the perfect plan
of what i want and need in a man

I know i make no sense
i hardly understand myself
trying to pinpoint the moment
when it all began
seems futile.
so restless.
so restless.
so unserene.
a life of daydreams.
waiting for something.
not knowing what that something is.
not knowing when i started waiting.
not knowing why i even wanted to.
not knowing when i can say i've found it.
and so i blah blah blah some more over here.
and i'll carry it on til the morning next week.
with a little something of nothing to say how i feel.
just to know if what's wanted could ever be real.
just to wait and to think. and to think far too much.
just to hold on to thoughts. they're my light. they're my crutch.

i don't know how to carry it on
sans the idealistic views
because it's all i know

Again and again this feeling...

2007-07-08T10:53:00.001-07:00

so long.. so long.. so much time. from there to here.

yet i'm still drawn. going back.. and then forth..

constantly revisiting the scene of the crime.

no control. no way to know. just keep on moving.

with an occasional visit. to the time of back then

back when. with this feeling left.. i'm not feeling fine.

when you keep going round and around on the same ride

you have to hold on tight to keep from falling off.

and you hold on with your dear life. and even when thrown off.

you'll get right back on it.

with a feeling that sickens your stomach.

ahhhh.. such ecstasy.

like a cheap drug induced high.

now everything is perfectly imperfect again.

perfectly disasterous.

perfectly insane.. so perfectly rocky.

how long do you endure the ride?

and what if..... you're like me

and you decided.

you decided.

after you've had enough.

enough of the uncertainty. and the sicknesss. and you grow so tired..

and it aches. it aches too much.

but maybe i'm not better off. and maybe i will never know.

cuz i chose something else.

i chose to get off at the next stop.

A little paranoia never hurt anyone.

2007-07-08T10:52:00.002-07:00

I feel a gaze upon me..

always lurking.. always hovering.

hiding 'round corners.. creeping and crawling.

there's no time to tell my story.. cuz it's already known.

I see when I'm watched..

My tales are told.. and then it's read

and maybe then it's read again

and checking up is becoming a common practice...

I don't know how else to divulge

pure ramblings of my scattered mind

cuz who knows how it will be taken

as it's read. and it's so quiet. and then it's read again.

I see how easy it is to hide..

I know how clever some kinds may be..

And although I put it out for all to see...

I feel betrayed when they see it all..

Cuz I can't quite see the same in return

and I will not search and I will not prowl

I just want upfront. Nothing hidden well

Think I'll keep my thoughts from here on, to myself.........................

Trial and error.

2007-07-08T10:52:00.001-07:00

remember when they chased you down to find out what your name was?
remember when we got along so well, better than anyone else could?
remember when we'd talk for hours and hours on end til the sun came up?
always making me laugh uncontrollably.. i was always such a sucker for that....

but things weren't right. and then they were. and then they weren't. and then they were.
and over and over again we played that game. in and out. and back and forth.
but knowing well that things weren't proper. knowing that we didn't see eye to eye.
i still held on so tightly and fought with great effort.... because of that burning fire.

that fire. that flame. the one that consumes us. don't know how to extinguish it. i wish i did..
sometimes it's so good. sometimes it's so bad. but either way.. you stick it out.. cuz it's burning so bright.
and it takes so much out of you. it's numbing. the agony and ecstasy. overtaking your life.
yet we still make the choice. we know it . we live it. it's constantly on a roller coaster ride.

but trial and error is needed you see. and maybe there isn't that fire you see.
or maybe it just takes some time to light it you see. and maybe one day it can burn bright you'll see.
and maybe you have to be patient and wait. regardless of how you've ever been in the past.
it's testing. it's waiting. it's checking it out. but you have to dive in or you'll never find out.

or maybe it won't ever burn up at all. and maybe it just isn't meant to light up.
it's possible that it's not better that way. it may never burn quite as bright as you want.
and fire is warm. and fire needed. it's passion to fuel your love going through mountains.
so, to not have it present can cause quite infractions. depending on how bright your own fire is.

but chances are there to be given and taken. and if you feel there's a flicker, then you really should chance it.
cause maybe you didn't know enough. or maybe right then it just wasn't right.
but i know if you never tried. if you never even wanted to explore your many options..
then you may miss out on something.... that could burn so very bright. and never have that chance again. and lose in the end.

standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat...

2007-07-08T10:51:00.003-07:00

of me. of you. of everyone else.
coward? half-assed? simply avoidable.
simply deniable. always regrettable.
somehow replaceable. never the same.
of here and now. and sometime before.
chaotic. depression. i'm manic. i'm frantic.
i'm happy as pie. i'm ok. i'm alright.
it's all different. it's all the same.
with the pressures all over. first you're in. then you're out.
then you're in. and always somewhere in between.
constant scramble. such a gamble.
win or lose. which do you choose?
there's hesitation. and separation.
back away from strain and stress.
running fast with such duress.
fear? no. can't be.. i'm fearless you see.
what a lie. so i say. and i just turn away.
can't cope. have no hope.
can't relax... can't let go.
can't let go. can't be free.
it's of you. it's of me.
it's of everyone else around you see.
it's entirely new. it's so boring and old.
and it's always the same. and it's always in vain.
such a struggle. how i juggle.
all these things. with broken wings.
what's stopping you? what's holding you back?
spit it out. cough it up. get this shit on fucking track.
in the sidelines. always quiet. always sleeping. never dormant.
in or out. there's so much doubt.
just run away. too hard to stay.
dunno what i'll find. today. tomorrow.
or ever. or never.
but it's me.
and it's you.
and it's everyone else.
can't deny.
won't reply.
in the end..
we all lose.

Mistrust & Illusions.

2007-07-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

here i go again.. blaming myself. but what do i know about everything else?

not a damn little thing. not a tad. not a bit.
there i go pouring out my soul over and over again.

i let it all out. i've spoken far too much. you know each and every corner by now.

but yet you still do not speak. you still do not share.
i have no idea of you. of all the why's and the when's.

i've said it before. i'll say it again. you're not what you seem despite how you act.

perhaps it's your lure.. to bring it all in
perhaps just a ploy to snag and keep her caught.

i know nothing. i see nothing. a man of few words.. how about no words instead.

but you play it so well..i'm sure you've done it before.
But Trust you, my dear boy, i must say.... i do not.

If I could be.

2007-07-08T10:50:00.001-07:00

if i could be the one for you, i'd sign my name upon your chest
i'd seal it tight with a seal of wax. hold onto you forever more...
if i could be what's good for you, i'd sell my dreams and buy a home
and steal away most of your time. the world around us we'd explore.

if i could be adoring you, i'd steal your kisses under stars
and whisper secrets hidden well to only you when night came down
if i could be of sounder mind, i'd choose much better than how i do now
but he steals the thunder and steals the sun with every time he comes around.

if i could be just anything. i'd be the one who'd be for you
and see the same thing that you see when you are looking right at me.
if i could be her and much much more, i would.. i really couldn't wish for more
but i can't quite be what you want from me, til what's locked up tight will one day be set free...

I.

2007-07-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know who's wearing a mask

I don't know who's painted all up

I don't know who's acting the part

I don't know who's real anymore

I know what I hear
I know what they tell me
I know what I see

I know how they lie

I know what happens behind closed doors

I know that they show you what they think you want to see

I know that they're worse than the others
I know because they sit and they fake when they need to

I don't know why they do this
I don't know why they're cowards
I don't know why they pretend that nothing does matter

I don't know how they can make those choices over again

I know all about you. and you. and you.

I know what you don't even know about you.
I know that I'm completely perplexed as to how stupid they can be

I know that I'm beside myself of the blurry lies they tell eachother to ease their loneliness.

I don't know how to be that way.
I don't know how to pretend I like them.

I don't know how to lie to your faces over and over and over and over again.
The lovely way you people seem to know how to do with perfection and ease.

See, I don't know any of that stuff.
I have no answers.
And I'm hurt.
I'm appalled.
I'm confused.

I'm disgusted.
I'm a million things all into one.
Yet I'm nothing at all because I don't fit the scheme.

I'd love to pretend and I'd love to be fake
I'd love for it all to be like nothing ever happened
I'd love to be best friends forever. I'd love to be your sidekick
I'd love to kick you behind your back, be a liar, be a cheater and still hold your hand so tightly.

If that would make it all ok. If that would make me belong.
Then I'd pretend to love that all.. I'd pretend to let things pass.

But you see.. I don't know how to be like that.
And I don't love it for one second.

And I think the most horrible things right now about those people

And you can't change my mind.
Because it's FUCKED UP. and I really hope some would agree with me.
Thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better.

You see.. I would really love to believe you.
I would really love to forgive and forget.

But I don't know how to be that noble.
and I don't know how to believe them anymore.

Continuation.

2007-07-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

People would rather salvage empty relationships

And hold on to the ones that hurt them most

Than to befriend the ones who back them up;

Than to stick around with who they can trust.

Who stand by your side;

Who don't pass judgement;

Who sincerely give a damn;

Who will hear you lament;

Who genuinely care;

Who never wronged you;

Who give all their support;

Who are real, who are true.

I'm not one for poems

I'm not one for reasons

I'm not one for making

people see the seasons

I'm just here like everyone else

I have nothing more to prove

I'm just all the same

and I hurt when you lose.

But I can't keep pretending

when this play plays around me

That you're true like I am

I can see that quite clearly.

I'm here to be me.

I won't argue the case

I'm gunna be honest...

and I'll say it with haste.

A lie is still a lie.. even if unspoken.

A fake is still a fake.. even if unacted.

A cover up.. so perfectly.. yet so flawed.

Of deceit and secrecies.. protection of outlaws.

I don't mind walking with few beside me

I have no problems leaving behind comrades in life

I really do not hesitate to keep moving forward

I prefer to distance myself from all this strife

But as I walk onwards with peace of mind

You must question who you're left with along your side.

Because you made your choices, you picked your path.

And perhaps those you choose can mirror your stride.

Who knows why people think the way that they will.
Who knows why people make the choices they do.
There is only one thing that I can tell you for certain.
They are really the only things I know that are true.

I'll never lie. I'll never cheat.

I'll never sabotage with deceit.
I'll never steal. I'll never hate.
I'll be the one who always waits.

I'll never leave when times are tough.
I'll hold you up when things are rough.
I love. I hurt. I cry the same as you.

I'm honest. I'm sincere. I'm always most true.

I leave then with that said.
While paths still will be chosen.

And I'll still be made the fool..

And you'll continue with your own erosion.

Fin.

Invasion.

2007-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

Why are people such dirty whores?
So many. Too many.

Why are people such fakes?
Pretending to be something just to fit this predefined mold.

People sell their own souls to get what they want.
Where they want. A piece of the pie. At any cost.
No matter what. No matter how.

I just don't understand it.

I don't want any part of it.

Is it even all worth it in the end?

and if i choose to go down my own route instead of following the masses,

does that make me the deviant here?

Fuck them all.